I was reading over some past entries, and it occured to me just how much has happened since graduation. Not to say that my life was pointless and boring up until that point, but I've done a lot of changing since that day.

It's weird. I always thought I would miss those people more, but the truth is that certain stereotypes follow you everywhere. The names change but the faces stay the same, and in the end not much is different.

But that's not my point. What I'm getting at is that a lot can happen in a summer. One last hurrah before you say goodbye to the ones you always counted on and always will; one last time to laugh and reminisce, because looking back will always hurt a little after it's over.

I'm not implying that things were stagnant and that I am a completely different person from the girl who wrote in this four months ago. Quite the contrary; because I had grown up a lot, I have been able to adjust to these changes with less trauma than otherwise would likely have been evident. I am just noticing how much has happened since May 24th.

I know more is coming, and I know I'm nowhere near the end of new experiences. And you know what? I welcome every second of it.

Dam Would Break

Is it this place that makes me fall from you?
Forget the words that once rang so true?
Did we expect that life was ever fair? My God...
I sowed a field of rose and reaped a whipping rod.
And everything I’ve held too tight inside
Could make a part of me die;
And if my lips could only speak the name,
The dam would break.

What is this ice that gathers round my heart
To stop the flood of warmth before it even starts?
It would make me blind to what I thought would always be
The only constant in the world for me.
And every hour of every day,
I need to fight from pulling away;
And if my mind could only loose the chain,
The dam would break.

For all the things I hid away
And all the words I could not say,
The dam would break.


How can a band named after an amphibious creature sing your song? Just like that.

Even though:

• I feel like crap;
• My face is going to explode;
• I can't speak Spanish;
• Buses are scary;
• I can't find my CDs;
• Alicia is apparently having eye surgery;
• Shania Twain sells perfume;

today is great beacuse:

• Julie is coming Saturday;
• My sister's cat ate her napkins;
• I don't have online homework for Spanish, ,which I can't speak;
• I regulate;
• Laguna Beach is on tonight;
• I have clean laundry;
• Shania Twain's perfume smells like angels oughta smell.

Spanish is a butt-lick language.

Had to slip it in.

So either UF is going to do great this year or... um... LA TECH SUCKS MAJOR ASS. What a joke. Those guys were horrible.

Today is laundry and proyecto day. I can't begin to tell you how much I'm looking forward to doing this presentation in a language I barely know.

Better get crackin'.

I feel kind of iffy. I don't know if I should drop it or see what happens. So much going on and yet nothing at all has changed, it seems.

I don't know. I really don't know anything. I guess we'll find out.

Here are some lyrics, because I do that:

"Time is never time at all.
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth.
And our lives are forever changed;
We will never be the same.
The more you change the less you feel."

Unraveled

Is how I feel. I have written so many compositions on shitty days like this. Unfortunately, I grabbed the wrong notebook when packing my bags to move to college and the aforementioned poetry and blurbs are exactly where I left them, rotting into the carpet under my bed like they've been rotting on my conscious.

When I can actually write, I will. For the time being, I don't have any hint of creativity. I hate today so fucking much right now.

But go Gators.

I hereby declare:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, weekend!

Relient upon nothing.

And I won't sit back
And take this anymore.
Because I'm done with that;
I've got one foot out the door.
And to go back where I was would just be wrong;
I'm pressing on.

Jump-rope cable

I like today. Rainy, but not very sunny. Makes for a nicer temperature than most days.

Oh, shit. I'm talking about the weather. Slap me. Slap me now.

Tomorrow we're getting our tickets for Saturday's game, and then it's off to class in this incredibly taxing schedule of mine.

...Joke.

I really don't have much else to say. What's new with YOU?

This isn't grammared right.

So it's time to own up and start using capital letters every now and then. You know, like when a letter should be capitalized.

I really don't know what to say here. I would say it if I knew what to think, but I don't know what to think anymore about pretty much anything you can think of to think of. I wish things like this wouldn't happen to me, but the only thing I can think of (and have a certain opinion on) is that there is a great Fate Magnet of Destruction floating around in the Great Unknown and it has somehow channeled all of its energy toward me.

Good God. Why does this always happen?

No, I will NOT clarify, either, because this is mine and I don't wanna. So neah.

what a pretty day.

things are going pretty well in g-vizzle. i can't say that i miss high school now that i've gotten a taste of being a college student. not to say that i don't miss certain people or daily occurences, but it's nice making your own schedule and deciding NOT to follow it if indeed that suits your little fancy.

anyways, it's a really nice saturday. and about time we got some rilo kiley up in this joint!:

there are no bad words for the coast today.
when we hold our breath until nothing's left
it all starts to fade.

we can see the stars
from where the birds make their homes
staring back at us.
indifferent
but distanced perfectly,
projected endlessly;
it's so f--king beautiful.

!!!

i can't express to you how much i love college.

yes; that's all i'm going to say.

build me up, buttercup.

so, the rushing part of rush was hilarious. it was just as i had imagined. i didn't see anyone trip, though; that was the only thing that didn't match up.

somone is cooking down the hall and it smells heavenly.

i'm really excited for tomorrow. classes begin and i'll get to meet a whole bunch of new faces. it's going to be great! balogna shoes and all.

i rearranged my half of the room a bit. i like it better now. less wiring to be seen. probably a tremendous fire hazzard, but it looks like broward is the unlucky building of choice this year so i think i'm in the clear. also got the blue rope lights put up - the ones g-bizzle gave me for my birthday. may have to buy some more the next time one of us goes to target (me or jess, that is) to make the whole room bright and gay.

i think that's got to be one of the worst names to have in this day and age - gay.

met some more cool people last night, and hopefully will do it again later on. but this time not at the sooooooooda pop shop.

that's all for now. don't cry for me, argentina.

quickie:

yesterday was dayful. there's much more to be said on that, but i think this whole college thing is going to work out juuuuust fine.

i'm ready for classes - i've got all my books AND my thinking cap. i only need to figure out where they actually are. that may be beneficial.

i don't have much else for now. mother dearest is calling.

Really Long Survey (over 200)
Created by starsbleed2nite and taken 118162 times on Bzoink
What is your name?	maggie
Are you named after anyone?	saint margaret mary (s. euclid, ohio)
What's your screename?	funmaggs
Would you name a child of yours after you?	no
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?	according to my parents, matthew. if i was choosing, ben.
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?	dream
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?	cennedy. no, i'm not joking.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?	it's what MAKES me famous.
Basics
Your gender:	girly
Straight/Gay/Bi:	straight
Single?	perpetually
If not, do you want to be?	the answer is longer than one word, so i'll spare you.
Birthdate:	5.12.87
Your age:	18
Age you act:	25
Age you wish you were:	14
Your height:	5'8
Eye color:	blue
Happy with it?	wish they were brighter
Hair color:	light brown/dark blonde
Happy with it?	it looks right on me, but will probably dye it soon.
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:	righty
Your living arrangement:	JENNINGS
Your family:	is dysfunctional
Have any pets?	two cats
Whats your job?	nothing at the moment
Piercings?	5
Tattoos?	none yet
Obsessions?	millions
Addictions?	one
Do you speak another language?	i'd say yes.
Have a favorite quote?	"the greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved."
Do you have a webpage?	you're looking at it.
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?	i'd like to.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?	depends on your definition of "others"
Do you have any secrets?	several
Do you hate yourself?	no
Do you like your handwriting?	yes
Do you have any bad habits?	yes
What is the compliment you get from most people?	that i have nice eyes or straight teeth.
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?	the diary of a mad black woman
What's your biggest fear?	confrontation
Can you sing?	no, but i do it anyways
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?	too often
Are you a loner?	yes
What are your #1 priorities in life?	good question. we'll see.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?	yeah. because i'd be just like me.
Are you a daredevil?	depends on the exact situation.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?	addictive personality and apathy
Are you passive or agressive?	passively aggressive
Do you have a journal?	several
What is your greatest strength and weakness?	a strength: doing impressions. a weakness: hypocrisy.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?	care less about destructive criticism received.
Do you think you are emotionally strong?	yeah.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?	i regret the chances i was too timid to take. i also regret never calling jen when she was pregnant. i regret finding facebook; it consumes my heart and soul.
Do you think life has been good so far?	yes.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?	don't make an idiot out of yourself for someone who won't come around, friend or otherwise.
What do you like the most about your body?	hands
And least?	calves
Do you think you are good looking?	when i make an effort to do so.
Are you confident?	i'm not afraid to act how i feel.
What is the fictional character you are most like?	francie nolan from a tree grows in brooklyn
Are you perceived wrongly?	i'm sure someone gets a wrong impression.
Do You...
Smoke?	no
Do drugs?	no
Read the newspaper?	no
Pray?	yes
Go to church?	to be determined
Talk to strangers who IM you?	yes
Sleep with stuffed animals?	no. they sleep in the chair, silly.
Take walks in the rain?	no, but i would.
Talk to people even though you hate them?	only when forced.
Drive?	yes.
Like to drive fast?	yes.
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?	no.
Hurt yourself?	yes.
Been out of the country?	yes.
Eaten something that made other people sick?	yes.
Been in love?	yes.
Done drugs?	no.
Gone skinny dipping?	no.
Had a medical emergency?	no.
Had surgery?	oral.
Ran away from home?	no.
Played strip poker?	no.
Gotten beaten up?	no.
Beaten someone up?	not yet.
Been picked on?	yes.
Been on stage?	yes.
Slept outdoors?	yes.
Thought about suicide?	yes. BUT HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER ACT ON IT.
Pulled an all nighter?	no.
If yes, what is your record?	---
Gone one day without food?	yes.
Talked on the phone all night?	yes.
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?	yes.
Slept all day?	no.
Killed someone?	why, yes.
Made out with a stranger?	yes.
Had sex with a stranger?	no.
Thought you're going crazy?	yes.
Kissed the same sex?	in a non-sexual way.
Done anything sexual with the same sex?	no.
Been betrayed?	yes.
Had a dream that came true?	yes. figuratively and literally.
Broken the law?	yes.
Met a famous person?	yes.
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?	hahahah! no.
On purpose?	HAHAHAH! no.
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?	yes.
Stolen anything?	yes.
Been on radio/tv?	yes.
Been in a mosh-pit?	no.
Had a nervous breakdown?	yes.
Bungee jumped?	no.
Had a dream that kept coming back?	yes.
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?	yes.
Miracles?	yes.
Astrology?	i happen to know for a fact that people do actually study the stars.
Magic?	no.
God?	yes.
Satan?	yes.
Santa?	no.
Ghosts?	yes.
Luck?	no.
Love at first sight?	yes.
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?	yes.
Witches?	no.
Easter bunny?	no.
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?	for some.
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?	no.
Do you wish on stars?	yes.
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?	yes.
Do you think God has a gender?	no.
Do you believe in organized religion?	...
Where do you think we go when we die?	up or down. or in between.
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?	yes.
Who is your best friend?	i have several. those that know me best are erin, alicia, jess, and dream.
Who's the one person that knows most about you?	ironic, isn't this? tie between erin (she's known me longest and we relate. literally.) and alicia.
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?	it's not the advice so much as the unconditional surrender of a friend's own well-being to help you gain yours back.
Your favourite inside joke?	talent show.
Thing you're picked on most about?	even steven.
Who's your longest known friend?	carla anderson
Newest?	sammy
Shyest?	kim. ...until you get to know her.
Funniest?	fudge and jim
Sweetest?	dream
Closest?	alicia
Weirdest?	laura
Smartest?	james
Ditziest?	alicia
Friends you miss being close to the most?	amber
Last person you talked to online?	ewin
Who do you talk to most online?	andrew
Who are you on the phone with most?	mom
Who do you trust most?	carri
Who listens to your problems?	whoever i say!
Who do you fight most with?	i try not to.
Who's the nicest?	christy
Who's the most outgoing?	sweeney and paige
Who's the best singer?	dream and amber
Who's on your shit-list?	you
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?	yes
Who's your second family?	hussins
Do you always feel understood?	no
Who's the loudest friend?	carla
Do you trust others easily?	if i need to talk, i talk.
Who's house were you last at?	mine
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in:	...
Do your friends know you?	a few have got my number.
Friend that lives farthest away:	jim
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?	never
What do you find romantic?	not having to say what you know you are both thinking.
Turn-on?	physically, a nice chests and strong arms. i like a guy who can hold an intelligent conversation. quick wit is always a plus, too.
Turn-off?	self-depricating humor.
First kiss?	during the ending credits of the majestic.
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?	awkward if i knew them well.
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going	yes, but i like meeting new people, too.
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out	yes
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv	yes
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?	on occasion
What is best about the opposite sex?	their strength and ability to make up stupid games.
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?	many don't think with the right head.
What's the last present someone gave you?	earrings from my bosses.
Are you in love?	nah.
Do you consider your significant other hot?	i'm single, suckhole.
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?	the ghost of christmas past
You wanted to kill?	i'm not going to lie - george bush.
That you laughed at?	chris.
That laughed at you?	paige probably.
That turned you on?	my baby's daddy
You went shopping with?	chris, andrew, and kim
That broke your heart?	rob
To disappoint you?	jonathan
To ask you out?	matt
To make you cry?	my mom
To brighten up your day?	chas
That you thought about?	well, chas.
You saw a movie with?	oh, boy: maja, andrew, jim, ricky, alise, graham, james, and craig.
You talked to on the phone?	my mom
You talked to through IM/ICQ?	paige
You saw?	paige
You lost?	uncle
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?	obviously not.
Will it be with your significant other?	fuck you.
Or some random person?	and the beat goes on...
What are you wearing right now?	a smile.
Body part you're touching right now:	toes to toes
What are you worried about right now?	nothing. just constantly anxious.
What book are you reading?	none, technically.
What's on your mousepad?	toast
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:	well, like a natural woman.
Are you bored?	i'm filling this out, aren't i?
Are you tired?	no.
Are you talking to anyone online?	no.
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?	no.
Are you lonely or content?	content to be alone for now.
Are you listening to music?	no.
Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to Bzoink

like albert einstein once said...

do you remember thinking, when you were that little, that the time would never come when you'd be ready to move out of the house, away from mommy and daddy and the cute boy you never got the nerve to talk to? do you remember wondering what you'd look like, what you'd believe, what you would and would not have experienced, where you would have traveled, what you would have accomplished?

i used to write myself notes and hide them in my room. i'd come across them a few years down the line. they were always full of girlish dreams i'd forgotten, teacher's i'd come to no longer fear but respect, questions i will always wonder about the future me. i'd always read them, thinking to myself how bored i would be with the answers i so desperately wanted to know at the time. i think we just get used to our lives, and what happens and doesn't happen is not so much of a surprise as it might have been when the situation in question was initially pondered over.

i would love to be able to look at the twelve-year-old me and tell her that i turned out alright, that there's nothing majorly wrong with me, that adolescense will teach me not to cry about friends who aren't there and boys who don't care. i would love to sit down with her, tell her that black coffee isn't all that bad, that her writing may never improve but to never stop regardless, that in her notebooks the voice of a progressively more mature young woman is evident and grows to be more easily recognizeable. i would love to tell her about the things that will happen so she can prepare for them, avoid the things that will hurt her, haunt her, keep her up many nights for fear of making the wrong choice. with life comes regret; don't add extra. stress is inevitable; don't worsen it by dwelling.

there are so many things that go on inside my head sometimes. i always wanted to know about the future, but lately it's been the present that concerns me.

who am i?

eleven to your seven

room is cute. stuff is organized. i don't stink. life is good.

well...

"when you need a friend, don't look to a stranger;
you know in the end, i'll always be there.
but when you're in doubt and when you're in danger,
take a look all around and i'll be there."

some friends you can never really leave. after all is said and done, you've shared too many had-to-be-there laughs, gotten through too many cries, and experienced too many life-changing moments to ever actually lose them.

those few people you will have in your life are the true gems.

nothing!

is what i have done all week. except soothe my soul with unsolved mysteries and other dead-end lifetime programs.

what i wouldn't give for a nice pair of balogna shoes...

kaleidoscope

i feel like the summer has slipped between my fingers. i don't know where i was this entire month, but now it's less than two hours away from being august and it's just occuring to me that this was indeed my last real summer to be here with the people i've always summered with.

i know it sounds stupid, and i also know i can't stop myself from criticizing my own statements, but it's sad in a sweet and unhurting way. i feel like i've made peace with most of the people i'll never be seeing again save for new year's eve parties and accidental run-ins at the mall on holidays.

i'm ok. i really am. there are a few people i'm going to come to miss, but mostly i've already gotten over it. i don't cry much anymore except at the most inopportune moments. for example, the most recent episode i can recall involved me being the only soon-to-be graduate at a particular planning event. i don't get emotional over things that normally upset a person's happiness, but rather am bothered immensely by things that nobody gives a flying fuck about. i'm pretty sure we all have our days, but i just haven't had a good cry in a long, long time.

does that make me heartless? probably, which is why i don't generally do well with children. i'm eighteen and i'm selfish and i truly believe i'm invincible. i don't like to be denied something that i want and when i want something i want it immediately. honestly, i'm too wrapped up in myself to be sad about saying goodbye.

they say the first step is admitting you have a problem, but if you're not hurting, i don't see what's wrong.

little july showers

it's raining right now. i can't help but love it. i've always liked it when it rains, unless i had specific plans to do something that can only be done without it.

that's it. still no remedy.

newsflash!

there are other girls out there with my name. according to facebook, there are seven. while a total of seven maggie kennedys may not seem like a lot to the average joe, when you've never met another person with your name, seven is a lot.

and that's just on facebook. i bet there are enough of me to conquer the world!

butterfly in the expansive sky.

truly, i can go twice as high. take a look, why don't you? it's in a leather-bound book! the reading rainbow. the reading rainbow.

and i'm not even on anything.

the verdict:

teeth are being removed tuesday morning. i have a hunch it won't tickle.

i appologize for the short and highly un-entertaining posts. however, i follow that statement with no remedy.

this is what it comes to:

IMing your sister on a tuesday night as you sit on the old pull-out sofa, knees touching and totally IN THE SAME ROOM AS HER.

i love summer.

nightingale song

and little ever changes if anything at all,
and we remind ourselves how small we are.

i don't know.

that's about it.

www.jesusfarts.com

dear paul simon and art garfunkle,

i don't think i like your name, arty, but together you guys make the music of angels. or at least the music that is in my car stereo. thanks for not sucking a lot. i think i am going to take you on vacation version 2.0: myrtle beach style. what do you think of that? i think i should have checked the dates to make sure we were leaving when i said we were leaving so i might actually make some money before going to college. that's what i think.

i also think that "saturday in the park" is definately one of my favorite songs and that it's definately on the radio right now.

well, just thought i'd let you know. don't be those guys.

love,
maggie

mr. reid went to harvard.

did you know that not only is he a terrible candidate to teach ap english literature, but that he is also a cumpulsive lier? the things you learn from emma.

wow.

i just had the best day ever. aside from the panera asshole who always points and laughs at me for reasons (other than the obvious) i can't determine, today was maaaaavelous.

ok. so it was nothing out of the ordinary, but i just went to borders and got a mostly free coffee that was chocolate flavored because - darn! - they ran out of regular. the sacrifices i make.

tomorrow i'm going shopping with my mom. mayhaps it won't rain and the aforementioned tanning necessity can be brought down a few points, though sadly it doesn't look like that will be the case.

i am convinced that lh michael, the unfortunate offspring of microsoft sam, is from columbia. not that i have a problem with south americans. quite the contrary - i'm rather fond of them. but if your computer were to talk to you, wouldn't you expect it to be british? "i'm your new laptop, chum. i eat wretched things that cost a fortune and have a distinct smell. rubbish, beckam, and piss off."

for pete's sake. someone put the world out of it's misery and shut me the hell up.

towels up the wazoo

that's primarily what i did today - counted 35 boxes of towels. and still i feel accomplished.

so basically my welcome-back was played out by being deleted from comany records. all of them. i couldn't clock in, i couldn't clock out, i had to reapply for direct deposit, i can't get an employee discount... the people i worked with in receiving thought my name was kim and that i was the new person hired to work in stock. TWO YEARS, PEOPLE. the only thing that made me feel somewhat like i was at the right place was that the manager - out of the kindness of his dear heart - confirmed that my locker had indeed not been given away. if i didn't have a place to put my money so it could be stolen every few months, mark my words: i would have stormed out of the place.

and returned in three minutes.

seriously, though. it wasn't bad. i actually enjoyed the change of atmosphere. once i began being referred to as "hey" over "kim," i came to realize that the employees customers don't poison with their venomous indifference and ridiculous questions ("what's fiffdee pursent off of tiin?") are actually quite than pleasant to work with.

enough of that. love actually is a great movie and the only instance i can think of in which hugh grant does not play the role of a complete asshole. no; notting hill doesn't count, either.

maybe if the weather ever stops being crappy we can go to the beach. not that i'm volunteering (or not volunteering, i suppose) to haul you around, but does anyone agree that we could all use a little tan? that's what i thought. so who's in?

i guess that's all for now. i'm tired and typed out.

maybe you'll learn something new, but probably not.

Three names I go by:
1. maggs
2. doodle
3. mooster

Three screen names I've had:
1. doodle0512
2. hazelnut587
3. funmaggs

Three physical things I like about myself:
1. eyes
2. teeth
3. hands

Three physical things I don't like about myself:
1. tummy
2. thighs
3. boobs (or lack thereof)

Three parts of my heritage:
1. irish
2. german
3. dirty polack

Three things I am wearing right now:
1. white uf t-shirt
2. pink pajama pants
3. underwear. the scandalous kind.

Three favorite bands/musical artists:
1. hey mercedes
2. billy joel
3. ani difranco

Three favorite songs:
1. burnadette
2. boys of summer
3. your song

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. love
2. patience
3. equality

Two truths and a lie
1. i have never seen titanic.
2. i love living in florida.
3. i dislike dogs to the point of nearly hating them. all.

Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
1. strong arms
2. handsome eyes
3. deep voice (technically not UNphysical)

Three favorite hobbies:
1. shopping
2. writing
3. talking to friends (cliche, but my favorite of the three)

Three things I want to do badly right now:
1. go back to europe
2. find someone spectacular
3. get a manicure

Three things that scare me:
1. never finding true happiness
2. never finding a career
3. being completely figured out

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. shower
2. eye make-up
3. a good laugh

Three careers you have considered or are considering:
1. spanish major
2. criminal psychologist
3. mommy

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. australian outback
2. spain
3. chile

Three kids names you like:
1. corryn
2. felicity
3. maitland

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. travel the world
2. speak spanish fluently
3. marry someone spectacular (but not before i'm 25)

Three ways I am stereotypically a boy:
1. i sweat.
2. i belch.
3. i take an occasional shit.

Three ways I am stereotypically a girl:
1. i love flowers.
2. sparklie things catch my attention. always.
3. i own too much jewelry

Three celeb crushes:
1. celebs don't do much for me.
2.
3.

your song

so excuse me forgetting, but these things i do -
you see, i’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue.
anyway, the thing is, what i really mean -
yours are the sweetest eyes i’ve ever seen.

router?

i have one? that works? and i'm updating using the laptop?

correct-san.

one laptop, two warnings, and countless cherries later...

so now it's friday. things are somewhat back to normal, though i did have several other strange experiences last night. i swear - i can't do anything anymore without something completely weird happening.

not that i mind.

about those ap scores... i'm not going to lie. i kind of rocked this year. out of four, i only failed one, and i finally got a four on an exam, but not just any exam - the ap calculus ab exam of death. so today i might have to celebrate in the form of decorative pillows for my bed and fantastic bowl chair that are to follow me like ducklings to my in-state university of choice.

but enough about me.

just kidding!

it turns out i forgot a lot of spanish. for example, the verb llegar means "to arrive". i thought it meant "to allow." imagine my confusion as i sit in borders at 9pm on a thursday night trying to fill in the blank when beatriz has not yet allowed, yet always allows on time. ay, que lindo!

my mom bought cherries, in case you were wondering what that was all about. i have been enjoying them in the morning. i have not been enjoying shakira covered in tar on vh1 in the morning.

that's it for now. i smell and need to shower, but i'm probably going to go shopping instead.

saturday in the park; i think it was the fourth of july.

so yesterday was pure awesome. i knew i loved this holiday for a reason. between the fireworks and the fireworks, it rocked.

today i got a new phone. same number, millions of more things i can do. just thought i'd take this opportunity to brag.

that's it for now. movies tonight. new faves rock.

new discoveries:

• diet coke doesn't stain if your name is alicia.
• bridget jones will still be easy to relate to in each new sequel of what i hope to be hundreds.
• microsoft is more than idiot proof when it comes to formatting a hard drive.
• french cologne is spectacular.

coming round the college corner

this is going to be expensive. very, very expensive.

and totally worth it.

the list of things chris and i both like is growing. not exponentially or anything, but still. it's something to be happy about. we figured out that we both like to laugh and see blood, for example.

has someone ever specifically told you not to show up at a performance? it kind of hurts, but in a way it's also a compliment. but it still really hurts. would you show up anyways though and stand where you won't be seen? or would that just piss them off? i'd appreciate your thoughts on that one.

as for now, shower and more shopping. tonight is movies at andrew's. inconceiveable!

talent show, anyone?

"you may be right;
i may be crazy,
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for.
turn out the light;
don't try to save me.
you may be wrong, for all i know,
but you may be right."

it's times like last night that i resent growing up and moving away. or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that i resent ucf in whole.

joke's on you, peabody.

so guess what? i'm officially in college now. not that i've taken any classes or anything, unlike a certain hampster i happen to know (and got to see today. very happy about that.); but i have indeed registered for classes and just ordered an incredibly amazing and exciting laptop. i think that counts.

preview is over, and now i am burning a cd of pictures to be developed tomorrow. though i did cut out two-thirds of my total collection, i still have a crapload to print. methinks this will not be an inexpensive endeavor.

and folks, that is the first time i have ever used the word "endeavor." i've never even said it out loud.

but on the more serious side, i'm really looking forward to next year. i still don't know exactly where i'm headed in life. correction: i have absolutely no clue where i'm headed in life, but now i have a vague idea of what i could make my future turn out to be. even though that was horrible english, and even though my end goal at this point is so highly ambitious it's downright hilarious, i feel better knowing i'm no longer talking to myself like i was on graduation day when i made a speech that didn't seem to touch anyone but myself.

i want to meet new people and get involved. i want to explore different ways to solve the same problems and learn firsthand how it feels to be cultured and social and know how to act with grace and confidence in any situation i would react to with awkward hesitation if confronted with today. i want to say that i've gained more knowledge through experience and dedication and even failure. who knows? i just may meet someone along the way who can stand up for me and these ridiculous thoughts that i have that i never knew i had.

but i'm just being an 18 year-old girl who got a glimpse of what the world has to offer and is now anxious to unveil the rest.

like the dinosaur movie, we're back.

i have so many stories a pictures and stories about pictures, all of which i would LOVE to share with such a captivated audience.

however, my stomach and intestines have taken a turn for the worse, and on this uf preview eve, i find myself in a puddle of maggie, unable to type the million amusing happenings and mishaps of the past month.

i will mention, though, that i had the time of my life. literally. i have a completely new perspective and feel like a completely new person. the trip was amazing, and i will never forget a moment of it.

until later, chickpeas.

adieu, adieu.

i mean it this time. last post f'real.

i hope everyone has an incredible kick-off to their summers (even though that technically happened a few weeks ago. meh.). take notes and fill me in on everything that happens, especially if someone orders a sprite when there's only sierra mist.

i love you!

rrraul.

i woke up at 5:30 this morning scared to death. it sounded like a fire hose was spraying on my windows and lightning was flashing nearly every seconds. after i realized that it was just a thunderstorm, i went to find my kitties - both were soaking. needless to say, the whole beach thing didn't work out, but perhaps ridiculous 80s teen movies are just what i needed anyways.

i'm beginning to sound a lot like someone i don't like. appologies.

TOMORROW IS IT! i can't wait! have you ever seen euros? they're colorful and come in different sizes, depending on how much they're worth. i can't wait to spend them on things i definately don't need but definately want, because hey - how many non-greek people do you know who have visited greece more than once?

that's what i thought.

so far i've made one collage, given myself a manicure and pedicure, and prepared yet another list of things to do (i need a planner. NEED.). since nothing is on the agenda for a few more hours, i'm going to carry on with my self-centeredness and continue pampering and doing whatever i please. i hope everyone has a great day, even though it's crappy outside.

gates of greeceland

the big shove-off occurs in about 36 hours. except for a few things i need to pack tomorrow night or wednesday morning, i'm all set to go. for everyone whose address i don't have and won't have before leaving, you get my boring stories and picture narrations in place of postcards (and you thought you got out unharmed.).

so saturday night i went over to chad's house and watched pi. it's one of those independent films that was made for thinking - something you'd think is a strong suit for me. not the case. carri had to explain the entire thing, brain poking and all. i'm still not certain i understand it. maybe i'll plan a pi night when i get back and have coffee and open discussion.

and be the most boring person in the world.

tomorrow everyone is going to the beach. i thought it would be fun, as jim is leaving wednesday too, but he'll be staying gone. it's sad, though, because i won't be seeing him when school starts. that's one person i'm going to miss.

see? graduating high school is fun up until you take the time to think about just what it is you're leaving behind and moving away from, or who is moving away from you, or what you're giving up to grow up.

my name is still carrie bradshaw, in case there was any question.

erin moved away today. unfortunately, i won't get to see her new apartment until july, but i'm excited for her. i hope things go well.

...shamu!

i'm out of stuff to say. hopefully i'll remember to update this tomorrow afternoon when i'm all tan, because i hate to leave this as my last post for the next month. not that tomorrow i'll be any more enlightened or have anything of great significance to say, but still; the word "shamu" is in the post. i don't roll like that.

this time next week...

i will be in athens, getting ready to go on a thirteen-day cruise of the greek islands.

if you're lucky, i will also be writing you a post card.

please send addresses.

"amazed by you"

i wish this was easier,
but it never is,
is it?
all you have to do
is look at me
and i'm an idiot,
walking around in mud and heels
or fire and ice
just to put a smile on your face.
you think you don't impact me,
but not a day goes by
that some thought of you,
some trace element
doesn't seep into my thoughts,
forcing me to remember you.

and of course i don't remember the bad;
that's why i am your fool.
you could slap me around
for the rest of my life
and it would only make me happy.
do you know that already?
you could do anything you fancy -
cut me, stab me, piece me
with your words
or with your persistent apathy -
and i would love you all the same.

i know you don't care,
but it doesn't change anything.
i just wanted to write you this shitty poem
to make myself feel more incomplete.

the verdict:

last night was fucking amazing. i had so much fun and everyone else seemed to enjoy themselves, as well. i danced almost the entire time and have once again acquired the nice, "hey! i'm a man!" voice. puff and rob showed up and stayed until the end, which pleasantly surprised me, considering they didn't go to gaither. i even got erin to dance and be stupid and funny, even though she's "old." everyone looked incredible, especially the hosts. chris was sporting the casual sheik look, christy with the elegant appeal, marisol with the laid-back and relaxed style, susan with the dark - yet inviting and cute - look, sweeney with the "who's ready to party?" dress, and maggie... well, she just looked hot.

i had such a great time last night and i hope you guys did, too.

three cheers for narcissism.

grad party what?

tonight is the momentous occasion we have all been waiting for: EL GRAD PARTY. i'm pretty dern excited, and i can't wait to get there. i will fill you in on how it went tomorrow (or whenever i get around to updating again), even though if you're reading this you were probably there.

"i wanna hear you whisper..."

today was terrific. it's so sunny and i'm sad i couldn't have spent it outside, but it was just such a beautiful and clean day that i can't help but be happy regardless of all the confusion and turmoil and hectic schedules. today, none of it mattered. it was just... terrific.

chance time?

the past few weeks have been a little crazy. in fact, i'm beginning to think that i'm a little crazy. today i acknowledged the fact that i would never make it to 5:00 and quit at 2:00, came home, attempted without success to sleep, and ended up cleaning my closet and dresser (yes. this IS important.).

why am i telling you this?

because this is my journal and i can write whatever i damn well feel like writing.

i got my prom pictures today. someone's eyes were closed. thank you, brynn alan, for totally taking two shots because i dress up like that so often.

it's tired in here. i think i should stop. fingers, end.

they refuse to listen.

so this one time in tampa...

a hundred ships a day

"brandy" was on the radio tonight; it's officially summer vacation.

i have yet to get sentimental. i wrote a few things that indicate otherwise, but i truly don't feel it. then again, it was only yesterday that i left the gaither senior parking lot for the last time in my life, so perhaps it will catch up with me later. who knows? maybe i'm heartless and will never care enough.

i'm so full of it. i know as well as every other girl reading this that i'll be crying pretty hard next tuesday. hopefully i'll be able to keep it under control. if not, that's life; you're born, you learn, you die, and sometimes you get whip-lash in between.

take for example the time i did the running bunjee with sweeney yesterday - prime example of delayed whip-lash.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm eighteen and i have no idea what the hell i'm talking about. i hope you don't mind, because i'll wonder for life this while you're in the world.

fin.

"stop"

stay with me in this moment.
moonlight and hesitation,
questions and small talk -
don't move an inch,
because the stars in your eyes
on this suddenly unordinary night
are killing me to look at,
killing me to look away from.
i want it all,
and i want no part of it.
forget everything we aren't saying
and pretend like it's how it appears:
that nothing is happening
and everything is perfectly,
casually normal;
that this is simply a summer-laced night
with no promises of anything romatic
and certainly no hint of confusion
or any emotion stronger than apathy;
that the ever-exapanding universe
hasn't caught me by surprise
in this dry and awkward heat
by throwing you into my field of vision
and making me see you
as though for the first time.

no; don't move an inch,
or it will run away.

what a FABulous day!

i don't think it could have been better. from my little mermaid watch (i didn't know the amish rolled like that, emma.) to the nerf guns (hey - i mean it. maurice is fierce. cross the line of demarcation next year and i'll bust a styrofoam cap in your ass, sweeney.) to the pinkishness (dream, you really couldn't have picked better accessories. i love them SO much! and the balloon was also very much appreciated. i love the attention, and you definitely know that.) to the hello kittiness (another great idea. the rope lights are definitely going to uf, but i think the bag is too cute to put my dirty clothes in. thanks graham!) to the flowers (a total surprise. they are so beautiful and vibrant and smell like the angel you are, puffie.) to the gator paraphenalia (how did you know i was a fan, kim?), it certainly was an awesome day. thank you for making it special, everyone. just knowing you guys are there for me is enough. i love you!

"all over you, all over me,
the sun, the fields, the sky..."

it's tomorrow, annie.

after tonight's big fiasco, i must say that i'm more excited for tomorrow. i know that it's still just a day and that it doesn't mean anything on its own, and that since i spent all my time up until right now not caring it won't mean much because i didn't intend for it to. but i guess it's still cool. at least i can do something next wednesday. just what, i don't know, but i'm doing something.

congratulations to everyone who went tonight. you guys are really amazing and i'm very proud of you.

language acquisition? who?

that's how the essay part was, but who cares? i'm done! forever! with everything! and i even got out of school before you did.

call from amber about twenty minutes ago:
"hey! how's it going?"
"great! you?"
"good. ...so you like coffee, right?"
"yeah."
"ok. would you prefer coffee or tea?"
"coffee."
"do you drink caffienated or decaf?"
"well, i usually drink decaf."
"ok!"
"why?"
"hey. i'm the one asking the questions here."
"ok."
"see you tomorrow!"
"bye?"

tomorrow night is the senior achievement banquet. i hear tell it's long, so i think i'm going to wear my minnie mouse dress for sideline entertainment.

i had to execute the picture uploader. it made the computer sick, so i hope you liked the ones i put on here because it looks like they're going to be the only ones ever.

i have to work tonight in mens. i don't know where anything is, nor do i know the significance of the numbers that apparently denote size. basically, i'm screwed. damn hungarian terrian and her vindex and wacuum commands.

i resign from thinking.

cha cha again.

back to normal? i hope so.

prom rocked. i loved my hair, my dress, my nails, my self-done makeup (thank you very much), my date, my corsage, the limo, the dinner, the everything. everyone looked amazing - the girls in the prettiest formals and the guys clean-shaven and bow-tied. it was an unforgettable night.

i spent sunday catching cat-naps when i could. i fell asleep outside and woke up feeling like my skin was on fire - NOT funny - so i went inside, took out my hair with three pairs of hands, and showered my famous eight-gallons of hairspray away. i went to work to show the girls pictures and hand out invitations, and then i shopped for an unequal ratio of time to things bought.

tomorrow is my last ap exam ever. if you hear a scream of pure, elated joy around 3:45, it will be me completing my last real assignment in high school.

that's about it.

oh, and facebook me or die.

prommie!

so tomorrow's the big day. nails in the morning, hair in the early afternoon, and pictures at 5:45. then it's off to dinner and dancing the night away.

am i excited?

hells yeah! (i had to, sweeney.)

i can't wait. it'll be so much fun. limo and everything.

...GAH! come on, tomorrow! get here already!

i finally downloaded a picture uploader. you can expect a lot of this nonsense from now on, so i hope you enjoy.

pink lady.

orangsicle.

ain't no holla back for the 'luda.

gwen, THIS shit is bananas.

iiiiiii.

haaaaaaaate.

COMMENCEMENT SPEECHES!

(or at least the thought of giving one.)

let the games begin.

this week starts the end of my high school career. with the coming of aps and the ending of classes, it's kind of strange to know that from here on out it will only ever hurt me to sleep in a class.

but enough of that. my sister graduated yesterday. she actually found us sitting in the stands, which was odd but cool. i'm really proud of her.

friday was spent working and grad partying (which was a total blast by the way). i was still a bit deaf when i got up saturday. sinus infection plus faceache plus ringing ears yields best time ever.
i realize that i suck at updating. when exams are over and a girl can get some sleep around here, it's back to the normal, quasi-efforted and multi-paragraphed entries (because while it may seem like i'm already there, it took me thirty uninterupted minutes to come up with everything i just wrote.).

armadillo hug.