i'm a follower. what can i say?

Best and worst of 2004

1. Go to a party? yes
2. Try something new? yes
3. Have someone change your life? yes
4. Kiss someone? no comment.
5. Tell your family and friends you love them? yes
6. Buy something extravagant? yes
7. Do something nice for you? yes
8. Do something terribly wrong? yes
9. Move? no
10. Go to a concert? yes

Best of the Year:
1. Party: sweeney's or amber's. both were memorable.
2. Show: vagabond tales... not.
3. CD: copywrite (not made in 2004, though)
4. Movie: i don't know, 'ho.
5. Song: yeah!
6. Experience: letting go. finally. also, quitting leadership.
7. Concert: old fashioned tanya's on a friday night (hey. it works.)
8. Book: catch-22 or catcher in the rye
9. Month: june or july
10. Place you went to: ocean isle beach
11. Day: december 10th? anyone? anyone?

Worst of the Year:
1. Party: i'm smart enough to not answer.
2. Show: vagabond tales like woah.
3. CD: couldn't tell you.
4. Movie: the grudge
5. Song: "hey baby." you killed it for me, dream park. also, anything and everything by linkin park and avril fucking lavinge.
6. Experience: the youth group night (princess knows what i mean.)
7. Concert: ?
8. Book: mbe (technically a play, but same diff. it sucked.)
9. Month: may or august
10. Day: a sunday in august when everything just kind of sucked squared.


Hopes for 2005:
1. Predict something that you think will happen in 2005. i will be a happy freshman at uf with my terrific roommate in jennings hall.
2. What do you hope changes about your country? i wish we wouldn't be so ignorant.
3. What do you hope for yourself? to be more motivated and suck it up when i can't get out of things i don't want to do.
4. What do you hope for your family? to live?
5. What do you hope for your best friends? happiness and good decision-making. and fimes.

During 2004:
1. Where were you when it began? the hussin's
2. Did you stay up: to see the ball drop? yes.
3. What was your new year wish? i don't remember, but it probably didn't come true.
4. How many girlfriends/boyfriends: none; just dated.
5. Broke up: not possible.
6. Have any crushes? yes.
7. Care to mention names? not really.
8. New friends: yes.
9. Had to say goodbye: i miss my lawa fudgecow.
10. Missed anyone: did i call that or what?
11. Win anything? nothing memorable.
13. Worst place you went to: work or confession. i really don't know which is worse.
14. Happiest moment: jonathan thing.
15. How was your birthday: i don't remember the actual day, but the party was nothing special; nothing like what i have planned for this year.
16. Best present: digital camera

-Countdown-

TEN random things about me...
10. i have never smoked.
9. i still have bunny and talk to it.
8. my family owns exactly one dvd.
7. i think worms are cute.
6. on my first date, i wound up throwing gummy bears.
5. i hate, hate, HATE adam sandler.
4. i wouldn't mind being a black chick.
3. i dislike trucker hats.
2. i enjoy cleaning.
1. you can change my opinion on nearly anything.

NINE places I've visited...
9. ocean isle beach, nc
8. gatlinburg, tn
7. erie, pa
6. nyc
5. miami
4. houston
3. indianapolis, in
2. richmond, va
1. atlanta

EIGHT things I want to do before I die...
8. turn twenty-five
7. find "the one"
6. have some direction
5. sky-dive
4. break glass on purpose
3. buy a convertible
2. make something really neat (as in artwork or poetry)
1. slap someone

SEVEN ways to win my heart...
7. be funny
6. be appropriate
5. play nintendo
4. shut up when i'm angry
3. not talk down to me or make me feel even slightly inferior. ever.
2. love me in sweats and love me dressed up
1. not judge me

SIX things I believe...
6. people think i'm weak if they see me cry.
5. sometimes it's better to fuck up than to always be right.
4. deceit is nearly unforgiveable.
3. materialism is hilarious.
2. braces make everyone look falsely younger.
1. death isn't the end to anything.

FIVE things I'm afraid of...
5. ending up alone
4. being completely unhappy
3. someone finding my notebooks
2. appearing foolish
1. driving in the mountains

FOUR of my favorite items in my bedroom...
4. my viking thing
3. akr autographed collection (1930)
2. windows
1. randomness on my walls (not an item, i know, i know.)

THREE things I do everyday...
3. drink some amount of water
2. sleep
1. smile

TWO things I'm trying not to do right now...
2. fiddle
1. yawn

ONE person I want to see right now...
1. paige

looking back

i guess it's time to take a "retrospective look" at 2004 (yes, i did take the wording from x).

i had my good times...

• "juuuuuuust breeeeeeeeeathe."
• finally a senior
• seeing poodle
• uf-bound
• beginning a new notebook and having it be more successful than the last
• passing when i felt like failing
• making new friends ("there's MOSES in my eye!") and rediscovering old ones ("that looks like africa. you see it?")

i had my hard times...

• damn boys
• damn studying
• damn steinmart
• damn [some other things]

everything added together to make 2004 a year of many milestones and a lot of growing up.

to everyone i lost last year: conflict makes things interesting. just think of it that way.

to everyone i gained: you've most likely helped me to find myself, and i thank you for that.

happy new year.

ya gots to understand - trick LOVE the kids.

jennings, rawlings, and yuLEEEE better watch their backs. me and the sweenmeister are headed in their general direction.

i finally got most of the mess in my room cleaned up, and tomorrow i will be beating my brains out looking for damned mustangs. i can't wait, by the way.

of course, this is only if the contraption of death is still in working order.

question to all college-bound seniors: are you going to change your area code on your cell phone for next year? if you don't answer (and even if you do), i'll ask you in person.

drop the top and let the sunshine in. peace.

chris university

after an insanely outrageous week, i will be staying in tonight to recuperate.

by the way, this week was insanely outrageous.

i got a chance to talk to paigie-poo last night. i miss the summer. "the sailor said, 'brandy, you're a fine girl (you're a fine girl). what a good wife you would be (such a fine girl). but my life, my love, and my lady is the sea."

i went shopping with my mom and sister today. it was an experience not to be repeated with two hours of sleep after a somewhat outrageous night.

anyways, in other news:
-we have an nfl video. just why i couldn't tell you.
-i'm completely screwed where that project is concerned. remember that project? because i sure didn't.
-a lot of people are moving away, and by "a lot of people" i mean megan. elliot smith.
-MASQUERADE!
-i love my future roomie.

well, i could continue, but this postie kind of sucksie.

adieu.

merry christmas, everybody!

i guess that about sums it up.

hope everyone has a terrific day, with or without snow.

lifehouse

"when the world keeps spinning round,
my world's upside-down.
you and i wouldn't change a thing."

those lyrics don't relate to me much right now, but i still love that song.

how is everybody's break going so far?

one down, two to go

and then everybody's home free!

i'm at school right now. i just finished the engineering exam (which i got an "a" on despite the fact that i completely effed up one of the SIX questions), and i was going to go to the bank but i forgot my deposit slip.

talk to a seventh grader online sometime. it'll surprise you just how much you were like that only a short time ago.

according to my doctor, i can hear and am not anemic. i got a sparkly bandaid and a lollipop, too. oh, the benefits of being the oldest patient in a pediatric ward.

i'm not up to much else today besides studying and no good.

that's all folks!
(erin: yes, that was for you.)

let the exams begin!

i exempted first period, so i went out to breakfast with amber, christy, and kelly. it was very cold and blueberry.

after school, i did some mandatory last-minute shopping before alicia and i met up at my house and went out to paint ceramics.

i sent in my uf acceptance money (the first payment of many) or whatever it's officially called. i realize, also, that i need to find a new e-mail address, as the one i have is no longer free for offline users.

gay.

so tonight i'm looking forward to an amc movie, whatever happens to be on. electric blanket will cuddle with me, since no one else will.

tomorrow: sleep and studying.

that's that.

bunko!

last night i went over to christy's after work. it was nice doing something with just the girls. hopefully we'll have another sleepover sometime over break.

this week's schedule:

• monday: last real day of school.
• tuesday: no first period exam. dinky 30-minute classes until 2:45.
• wednesday: no exams. passport picture around 10:30 am, then who really cares?
• thursday: fourth period exam, then who really cares? studying for friday somewhere in there.
• friday: sixth and seventh period exams. probably out afterwards to celebrate the end of the semester. then work from 5 pm to about 10 pm. maybe out again, maybe not.
• saturday: work from 8 am to 5 pm. saturated with anticipation.

i used bullets for the first time in here. i feel free.

double spaced. no more "enter, enter." pampering of the pinky.

that was almost haiku-esque.

time to pet my kitties.

the heavens parted. a beam of light shone down through the disappearing clouds as the angels sang:

"Congratulations! Your application to the University of Florida for the 2005 FALL term has been approved. You will receive official notification and additional materials in the mail. We look forward to seeing you on campus in the very near future!"

oh, and "haaaaalleluja! haaaalleluja! halleluja! halleluja! hallEEluja!"

babbitt!

"laughing at ourselves, thinking life's not fair..."

i know i've been saying that i can't wait to get out of here, but the truth is that there are a few things i will really miss.

there won't be any sunday drives to clear my head for the start of the new week. there won't be any mommies or daddies to kiss goodnight, and there won't be any old flames you can run into or hear about when your friends run into them.

there won't be kitties on your bed and there won't be neighbors cutting your lawn. there won't be your best friend living right around the corner, and there won't be a whole house to come home to every day.

there won't be seven class periods and the time in between them. club days will be no more, and ap classes become college classes.

there won't be any vitamin c singing your anthem tonight when you stop to think about just how long this chapter is that you're concluding.

even though it's only the end of the first semester, the second will pass just as quickly.

here's to the class of 2005. make the best of everything.

he knows not where he's going to.

what a restful weekend.

not.

by the end of the day, i will have completed an absolutely massive amount of work. why?, you ask. because the end of the semester is upon us, and every single teacher thought it would be cute to assign a project, an exam review, an essay, or an experiment (or some variation or combination of the mentioned headaches).

wow, gaither staff. you are SO funny.

in all honesty, i'm already done with most of it. what's getting me is the friday deadline for experimentation on my engineering project, mainly because i may have to secretly tweak the date and make it december twentieth instead of the tenth.

break is officially over. back to work.

beep, beep! beep, beep! yeah!

december everywhere

the semester is practically over, though it seems like it was july only a week ago.

but i'm certainly not too nostalgic, as this summer is going to be, hands-down, the best summer ever.

1. where ever.
still haven't decided quite where to go for my all-expenses-paid trip, but who cares? i'm going there, right?

2. myrtle beach.
of course, there are details that have to be worked out and i'm the newbie, but who cares? it's still freaking myrtle the turtle beach.

3. road trip (?).
questionable. probably won't happen, come to think of it, but i'd still like to think that it will.

4. steinmart who?
since i'm going to be doing a lot of traveling and haning out with friends one last time before we have our final hurrah and shove off to the four corners of florida, i won't have much time to spend working at stein-stein. perhaps i just may quit instead of asking for one week off every other week.

5. that's it.

so trip, trip, probably-won't-happen trip, and no more job. that's my idea of a fanFREAKINGtastic summer, alright.

yo-yo's roomies

i can't say that i remember much of what happened today. it's not like i wasn't there, but i honestly don't remember. just "make a wish" bear in psych and dream's special pillow.

man, am i tired.

the project of absolute crap is working somewhat. the data cannot be interpreted, as it is not accurate to what it SHOULD be, but hey - i have numbers, so who really cares how right they are?

not me, and i certainly won't give it two thoughts ten days from now when something hopefully very beautiful arrives in the mailbox declaring how i will or will not spend the next four years of my life.

oh well. if i don't get in, i'll go do something stupid instead of go to college, like become a "missionary" or join the "coast guard," traveling the "world."

i don't think it would be that bad. i mean, i could just not go to college, disappoint my parents, and hold a series of odd yet incredibly gratifying jobs that reward me with pretty little paychecks for the rest of my life. not that i want to be a terri or anything, but i wouldn't mind not trudging through an absolute minimum of four more years of education.

how can uf refuse an offer like that?

i need to get out of here. too many smells.

pictures are fun for everyone.

it's going to be one of those homework sundays.

i got a digital camera yesterday. that was fun. i'm still learning how to use it, but it's pretty self-explanitory so far.

um. go uf. dragonball z for life.

[title]

the sculptor


i want to be a model.
i want to show the strength of my maker.
mold me in your hands
and do what you feel you need to do -
what you want to do,
even -
to make me perfect
every time you look at me.
dream
and make me what you dream;
love
and make me what you love.
you keep your hands
so full of blood and breath
and soon
clay becomes woman
who exists solely for you.

you make your art -
life flowing from your fingers
like waterfalls;
your masterpiece is me.

third time's the charm.

after two dramatized attempts, i find myself on my third draft.

plain and simple, things are pretty messed up, but there isn't exactly much i can do to help fix them and make things better. people will do what they want to do, and impulse is at the heart of many mistakes.

i've come to realize that people fuck up a lot, even the ones who teach you how not to fuck up. some people feel resentment, some never do. i'm sure that many things factor into each circumstance, but sometimes it's flat-out wrong to feel completely normal.

i know i'm being judgemental and i also know that i'm not one to judge where guilt is concerned, but it seems to me that a lot of people deserve better.

ckocko mario kart

i have received a letter from my aunt sue entitling me to a trip to pretty much anywhere. i think i'm going to shoot for atlantis.

i didn't do anything of much interest this weekend, so this is the part where i make things up:

friday after work i went to see i heart huckabees with a certain tortuga. we then came back to my house where he played my guitar for a little while and then left around one. how charming.

today i spent the morning shopping, but spending the money of others. i worked all afternoon, and i'm going out to a concert later tonight. it's probably going to be a local band or something. i mean, i can only guess because it's a surprise christmas present. ooh la la.

so now that i'm done lying, i'll go.

tootsi.

certified twenty. yeah.

how bad do you want a song to be written for you and played in front of a grandoise audience?

me too.

so, what have we learned today? mr. psychologist is afraid for sweeney ("there's moses in my eye!") and vocational rehabilitation is not a desirable career for anyone ever.

schwing.

i can't wait for the holidays. i'm pretty much done with christmas shopping. now it's time to download music from the nutcracker and enjoy for the next month and a half.

dear november,

be cold.

love,
maggie.

chicago corner

crazy night that began with soccer and ended in scarf hilarity.

tomorrow morning i'm picking out a digital camera for christmas, and then running around tampa doing my science project. bill currie ford is probably my new best friend.

"i was spinning into a dark hole
when javatropolis saved my soul."

candy love

do you guys identify with that beat?

i love this song.

gonna get back to basics.
guess i'll start it up again.
i'm falling from the ceiling;
you're falling from the sky now and then.
maybe you were shot down in pieces;
maybe i slipped in between.
but we were gonna be the wildest people they ever hoped to see -
just you and me.
so why'd you come home to this sleepless town?
it's a lifetime commitment
recovering the satellites.
all anybody really wants to know is
when you gonna come down.
your mother recognizes all your desperate displays
and she watches as her babies drift violently away
'til they see themselves in telescopes.
do you see yourself in me?
we're such crazy babies, little monkey;
we're so fucked up, you and me.
so why'd you come home to this faithless town,
where we make a lifetime commitment
to recovering the satellites?
and all anybody really wants to know is
when are you gonna come down.
she sees shooting stars and comet tails.
she's got heaven in her eyes.
she says i don't need to be an angel,
but i'm nothing if i'm not this high.
but we only stay in orbit
for a moment of time,
and then you're everybody's satellite;
i wish that you were mine.
so why'd you come home to this angel's town?
it's a lifetime decision
recovering the satellites.
everybody really knows for sure
that you're gonna come down,
that you're gonna come down.

'bama it all to hell.

"and ill hang around as long as you will let me,
and i never minded standin' in the rain.
you dont have to call me darlin', darlin';
you never even call me by name."

i miss lawa.

selling the drama

clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here i am - stuck in the middle with ALL.

it's been this way for quite a while. i guess i figured things would settle down after school started and i got into a routine again, but it just isn't happening.

dating aside, there are still many things that that repetitive, repetitive song can apply to. a few friends - actually, just one - have become so distant lately that i don't think i can even begin to patch things up without sounding like a complete fag, but i'm beyond the point of caring enough to not care about sounding gay. i am absolutely ecstatic about college, but it hurts to know that this is the last time i'm going to be a kid. i can't wait to get out of here, but i feel like i won't be able to look back and enjoy the nostalgia.

there are so many other things i could talk about, but i don't want to get into much more detail on the specifics. i've just been pretty spacey lately, i guess. not that it's unusual for me, but some things pass me by and i just don't care anymore.

i guess that's why i'm stuck in the middle with you.

finally

after a few days of completely not working, blogger has once again decided to be functional.

yet still not a differentiable function, as in the kind on the calculus test tomorrow which i have driven myself crazy over for the past three hours.

i LOVE snooow. i LOVE snooow. la, da, da. i love it sooooooooooooooo!

telephone insuranceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

and then along came zeus.

erin, on a tangent when discussing team america:

"team shitty! team we suck! team we like it in the butt! team george w! team we really hate poor people! team bomb other countries! TEAM OVERCOMPENSATING! team get out of this country faggots! what team are you describing? why, TEAM WE'RE BETTER THAN YOU. TEAM JINGO."

(help!)

it's a chicken.

i am currently pursuing a michael jackson megadownload. it's thriller night tonight, indeed, as we say farewell to the final pages of hemmigway's arms.

also, it seems as though "bryn alan" is actually code for "a bunch of thieves." dirty, rotten, "hey - i'll take your picture at homecoming" ladrones. i say we go muhammad jihad on their studio, dirkdirkistan style.

with such confusion, don't it make you want to scream? it's all about the way you make me feel, billie jean, and i'm bad, so beat it or i'll rock with you because you rock my world.

getting back into updating regularly is a messy process. it's not always just black or white.

under pressure

oh, queen with david bowie. i love your duet, even though i do not relate to it.

yes, i did feel the need to write something.

blue and red and black and gray

as october winds down, i find myself wondering how much more waiting i'm going to do before i finally make my million moves. i have pages and chapters and volumes full of intentions, and i never seem to know how to time things just so so that everything is said and everything is done as i planned them to be said and done.

so here i am, "standing on the precipice of big time," thinking of all the things i could do to make myself someone else, and the only thing that keeps coming to mind is the ludacris notion to change what has already been done.

i'm a lunatic and i know it, but at least i can admit it.

and if you want to know what got me thinking on this track, it was initially finding out alicia was accepted at ucf, but then i thought of something else when my mom set a cd from ncyc 2003 in front of me.

it's still in the wrapper, and i doubt i'll open it.

attention fordsters of the tampa/lutz area:

if you or anyone you know (and i do quite literally mean anyone) drives a ford mustang made in any year from 1980 to 2000, please let me know. if you leave a comment in the affirmative, i will get in touch with you so you do not have to publish personal contact information.

take me, wilmer.

this week so far has been easy, and tomorrow we have career predicting for the first four periods. i'm trying out for plumber.

i'm completely out of things to say.

kitamara

i spent the weekend at my sister's house. in fact, i'm there right now. we went out friday night and ate blindfold pizza and then went to a volleyball game. yesterday, we went to the uf versus middle tennessee game. once again, i am burnt on the left half of my face and on my left arm. last night was fun, too. i mean, aqua teen hunger force? get with it, meatwads.

and a good weekened was had by all.

balogna shoes

i can't wait for the weekened. football and probably a sunburn and moe's knows a joey bag of doughnuts and probably art vanderbilt, too.

point is, i'm still recuperating from saturday, and by saturday i mean sunday.

and by sunday i mean sleepy.

if you have any extra flashlights, could i borrow them and never return them please?

time to be in fourth period.

all my life

"i prayed for someone like you,
and i hope that you feel the same way, too."

what an amazing night.

piano man

i'm bursting with excitement.

if i was a balloon, i would pop.

if i was a tank, i would be spewing gas.

if i was an engine, i could.

just to give you an idea.

i really like my hair this year, too. i usually wind up not liking it, but i'm nearly in love with it.

oh, vanity of vanities.

time to load up on caffiene and pack my things for tonight. i can't wait to see everyone in their formal attire.

it's... devine.

whipperwools

what a day.

and now that THE homecoming weekend is officially upon us, i have much to do and little time to do it in.

senior mayhem.

i think that's why i love homecoming saturday so much - you do a bunch of prepatory junk all morning and afternoon, and it really hypes you up to be so busy all day getting ready for this big event.

kind of like christmas, except your only present is being pretty, which, i must say, makes it a close second to the aforementioned holiday.

so, guess what?

I CAN'T WAIT.

other notes:

happy birthday, erin! i love you!

if your sociology teacher says the words "the," "dying," and "rooms" in that order, plug your ears. if your sociology teacher turns on a television set after saying those three words in that order, leave.

the ingredients in potted meat are actually grosser than the title implies.

jack handy for president.

so guess what's cool?

night pep rallies.

and new clothes today.

and hair pictures after school.

and not this class right now.

and definately going to a game next weekend.

and certainly me and booger dressing up in black on hawaiian day.

and chariots that have spontaneously caught on fire.

and not green marker on my thumb.

and if you're really nice ...

maybe we'll put on our classics and have a little dance, shall we?

i can't wait.

COME TO ME, SATURDAY.

revenge of the nerds.

mr. n.: "are you making fun of the way i dress?"
jason: "not directly."

and now to the much debated "should girls ask guys out?" topic.

personally, i think it's alright for that to happen. would i do it? sure. it may not always go over too smoothly, but that's just what a guy would have to face in a similar situation. it's kind of mean that we have this norm where guys initiate dates. i mean, really - that sucks, because who doesn't like being asked out?

then again, we carry around babies for nine months and pop them out of us, so it's actually pretty fair.

problem solved?

good.

by the way, it's fourth period and i have absolutely NOTHING to do.

i have to work tonight. maybe we'll play dress-up again.

bananas.

hanging on maybe

i haven't been writing anything lately because i have absolutely nothing to say, to be quite honest, but i'll try to jazz it up just this once.

homecoming is on saturday. rose, nails, hair, makeup, jim, christy's, dance, kelly's - in that order.

next weekend i'm going to gainesville to visit my sister. phone conversation with boss:
"hey, terri. it's maggie. i know i asked for this weekend off, but i was wondering if i could have the following weekened as well. ...what's that? this course of action would result in the termination of my employment? that's a darn shame. ...no, i would still like the following weekend off. goodbye."

except that didn't happen at all.

ben kweller is the feature flavor of the month.

and being single just ran out of perks.

feeling sporty?

spirit week is upon us, and homecoming is less than a week away.

who's excited? this girl right here.

just thought i'd restate the obvious.

i hold with my original statement:

sometimes a year just isn't short enough.

jesus raul

get me off this crazy thing called love.

well, that was interesting.

fortunately, sweeney saved me last night by letting me sleep over at her house, where i caught the wimblies.

"what's up?"
"chillaxin'."
"do you need a laxative?"

props to april for her drive-by hugging.

oh, mrs. doubtfire.

i would end this properly, but - you know.

everybody wants to pass as cats.

i heard "here's to the night" yesterday.

it's almost october. i know we haven't even finished one quarter yet, but this is it - this is really it.

you sat there in second grade thinking you would die before you graduated; you never imagined yourself sitting in a chair in late september of your senior year thinking of the past you and where you were as opposed to where you are.

it's going to be over soon i know, and the next four years will become yesterdays in no time at all. it's odd to think how quickly time goes by just as you're wanting it to slow down.

even still, i absolutely can't wait.

i guess i'm just a hurricane.

i broke a witch.

that was definately the funniest moment of the day.

you know how unfuny it is when a customer loses a one hundred and forty dollar bracelet?

very.

amber and i are going out in a little while. tomorrow night i will hopefully get to see my mentor and mind reader.

other than that, that's pretty much it. have a BEAUTIFUL night.

i don't like being misunderstood.

and to be honest, i think that's all i've been lately.

so i'm going to quit.

sure - i'll still say things as indirectly as ever, but i'm coming to realize that you can't be understood without another wanting to understand.

when i laugh, it's not out of cruelty; it's just what i felt like doing, so i did it.
when i cry, it's not because i'm sad; stress and empathy make me do that sometimes.

so with you over there and me not so much farther away than the thickness of a grain of sand, i'll let you know how it's going to be.

some people laugh at dreamers, but we're not that at all.

if the past years were dreaming, then sleep is all i want.

standing on the precipice of big time

"perfect love drives out all fear."

thank you, john. i'll try to keep that in mind.

as for now, i'm relishing in all the options and having no clue what lovely door to step inside. the only thing that i fear is being alone, or lacking love.

funny how that works, isn't it?

so what is "perfect love," and what is "fear?"

only a handful of times have i experienced perfect love, and it's not what you think it is, either. i'm not talking about the boyfriend kind of love or the parent kind of love or the best friend kind of love or the really-big-crush kind of love; i'm talking about something inside of you you only experience when you need it the most to keep you going, to keep you strong, to keep you alive and well and happy and hoping.

fear? that's something we all experience, and i have no other interpretation of it for you than the one you provide yourself with.

sometimes it seems that there are so many things in life to fear that there can be no perfect love, no hope for humanity in times of suffering or stress or complete lack of direction.

and then, right when you expect it the least in the most unlikely situation you can think of to date, it happens. it washes over you and you would like to say you didn't know it was coming when it started, but you did. it comes out of your heart and swims through your body, touching every part that had been asleep for lack of motivation or out of fear of being brought to consciousness. it all awakens so suddenly and there you are, standing in a sunset or under the moon. one minute you're who you've been; the next, you're who you haven't been for a long time.

i guess that's my favorite thing to experience - this perfect love we so often seek and so rarely find.

if you don't know what i'm talking about, i suggest you find out, but i find it difficult to believe that anyone could have gotten this far without ever having felt it.

we count only blue cars.

it's been a good morning.

and also, rachel is eighteen today.

my stomach is still being kind of gay, but that's alright.

back to rachel, i'm going to have some more fantastic plans tonight. boy i cannot wait bt i still love you townhouse oh boy fun times mel c jen i love you guys you are such a great sister jess oh my gosh ryan is a fag.

i can't wait for homecoming. i really can't. it's going to be so much fun.

it is, it is.

i'm going to go pretty-up for workio. have a great afternoon, you.

and suddenly, an orange.

i'm a bit more myself now that i've talked it all out and let things settle.

in fact, i'm feeling pretty damn good at the moment.

"hi. my name is llaves or raul or something, and i did something incredibly productive tonight. TWICE."

so now that no one knows what i'm talking about, i'll fill you in:

JUST KIDDING!

everybody knows it sucks to grow up.

sunday, sunday, sunday - what a day.

i really can't update because i really don't have anything appropriate to say. while that may not have stopped me before, it's stopping me now.

i know i say things and then i don't do them, but i might not update for a while. i'm just not in the "hey. let's be us." kind of mood right now.

so, without further adieu, i leave you with a word from the man who wrote my anthem without my knowing it:

"the years go on and we're still fighting it."

chicken chunnks. ...not!

with boarded windows, it is impossible to tell what time of day it is.

i feel like a bobo.

shit, fuck, dammit.

thank you, beta, for the inspiration.

i noticed a lot of coincidences today. not that any of them were particularly significant, but i just noticed a lot of them.

good gosh. i'm tired.

goodnight.

rex manning and company

today, loves, i post my three-hundredth entry.

what makes it even more beautiful is that exactly one year ago tomorrow i started this edition of maggie, unscripted.

that would mean that i posted precisely three hundred entries in one year.

well, i found it interesting, anyways.

point is, there are a lot of birthdays in september, and i'm going out tonight, so i hope you have a great eternal weekend, as weather does not seem to be in florida's favor anymore.

brand, on predicting whether school will be in session on monday: "it all depends on this idiot* that's headed our direction."

*hurricane ivan

bazooka 'zooka bubble gum

tomorrow is a day that shall live in famy, but i cannot reveal my beautiful surprise until then.

oh, and what a lame surprise it is.

anyways, i broke my third computer today in engineering. erv supposedly fixed it, but when i left fourth period it would not restart but only say that i had indeed f-ed up. something about a drive not fitting, which is complete crap.

i. hate. matlab.

today was alright other than that. tomorrow is friday, which made this a very easy week, and i have found a new hobby (for the time being). like everything else, i'll get sick of it if you'd just give me time to realize my crime.

i'm sorry. i really am. i won't do it again, karma chameleon, even though you come and go.

i mean, loving would be easy if your colors were like the wind: red, gold, and green.

red, gold, and green.

caterpillars that do the worm

i missed school. five days of weekend is five days too many.

i wrote both of my essays yesterday for my application and have set them aside for the rest of the week, hoping that with time they will become ripe and insightful.

what a load.

i have taken a liking to painting. it is my new boyfriend for the time being.

before i go, i have to ask you a question. you are required to answer it honestly:

do you really want to hurt me?

puddles and pinball

"it's lonely here in outer space.
the nearest stars are miles away,
but i believe i'm on to something big."

i guess i'm in between. everything is now "this time two years ago," and it's just lonesome and very losery to be saying things like that.

i love that i have no commitments to anyone, no devotions to anyone, no promises i must keep, no questions i must answer. i love feeling what i want to feel, wearing what i want to wear, being who i want to be and changing for no one unless i want to. i love trying out new things and not having to always worry about the consequences.

but i don't love not having someone i can call my own, someone to be there for me when i don't even realize i need them them most, someone to kiss me on the forehead when i cry and hold my hand to make it go away.

"... but people don't just sit around all day waiting for things to end - you have to relish it while it's there; otherwise, you're missing the whole point."

i guess that should be something to live by.

sorry i don't make any sense. it's just that it's really hard sometimes when love is dangled right in front of your face and you can't catch it to save you.

proportionally

only the second half of my street had the power go out.

all day.

everyone else was apparently fine.

but it wasn't that bad. i called dreamboat and we had some laughs, and later i went over to jim's house.

if you're wondering how we're faring over on the w. c. d. and you don't live in-state, it's probably just like how it is at your house, except there are pieces of tree everywhere, the pool is literally overflowing, and it hasn't stopped raining in over twenty-four hours.

other than that, we really didn't get it too bad - i just feel bad for those who did.

just to give the non-locals an idea:

the rain is sometimes falling horizontally, which makes it not really falling but flying. the winds kick up at least once every minute such that all the shubbery and plants growing alongside a wall or window plaster themselves upon the house. there aren't really any clouds, but rather one large gray mass where the sky used to be. nothing drastic has happened here (yet), so hopefully nothing will. the power is still on, but i haven't seen one car go by all morning.

the neighbors moved back to pakistan.

shallow days

adam duritz, you can sum up my life in a few lines.

hey mr. freedom -
what are we supposed to think?

homework assignment:

after viewing suspect zero , rent empire records .

the first person to tell me what made me and alicia nearly piss our pants tonight wins the gold.

oh, and twenty dollars or something.

minus the twenty dollars and the gold; i'll just give you something.

x 2

well, well, well. it looks as though we have another hurricane on our hands.

while this is a dangerous perdicament in which we find ourselves, it is also a no-school perdicament.

natural disasters, i knew you were good for something.

spider king

i never realized just how funny the wide world of ebaum truly is until last night.

tonight is question marks still, so we'll see.

it was a much better day today than yesterday. the sudden death calculus test wound up not having horrendous results, and i mustered up the courage to put in twenty cents worth in english. i did the engineering lab correctly, and i missed my usual two on the history quiz ("did you study? did you study? huh? did you study?").

henery the eighth i am, i am.

everyone who didn't donate blood raise your hand.

i guess it's just me and the underclassmen.

needles. i mean, it doesn't even sound slightly pleasurable. no satisfaction guaranteed.
"i donated blood, but now i have a HUGE GAPING HOLE IN MY VEIN. how are you?"
"i'm intact, thank you."

that's my day.

a classic case of he said/she said

sometimes a year just isn't short enough.

handbags and gladrags

it's been a homeworkie night - not much fun and very full of hamlet.

i can't talk now, so just circle one already.

turtle ceramics

dear morningstar farms,
you messed up. you forgot to put "of death" underneath "spicy black bean burger."
just thought i'd let you know.
thanks for your accuracy.
not.
love,
maggie kennedy

now that that's out of the way, i made some pottery with alicia this afternoon. 'twas fun. the best part was her writing "nypd" instead of "nyfd."

fimes.

i'll dress you up in my love, all over, all over.

out of things to say.

(dream: just kidding. miracles don't happen, but i already told you that. he nearly pulled a scottsman, too, but didn't.)

appels + oranjes

well, miracles happen.

what was yours?

dear everyone,

i am a mean, mean person.

first in-school post of the year

i guess you know where i am.

so, my sister gets to go to more college since she passed some collegie test yesterday.

speaking of college, i can't wait until next year. i don't know if sweeney still wants to room with me now that she has somewhat of an idea of how crazy i am, but i still can't wait. i'd even be excited if a had to take a sarah titkemeir ("let's take it home to mother!").

i dislike making notecards.

sigh, ap exams. you rule my life from the future.

no matter. it's friday, and my friends and i have potentially begun to make potential plans for the weekend. ten-to-five saturdays are my new best friends.

until next time, lover.

LuV 2 CoLoR!!!!!!!111one

"no, you can't always get what you want;
you get what you need."

that pretty much sums up the day. it was terrific, but, as the song goes...

a good song to be stuck in everyone's head.

why do you build me up (build me up),
buttercup, baby,
just to let me down (let me down)
and mess me around?
and then worst of all (worst of all)
you never call, baby,
when you say you will (say you will),
but i love you still.
i need you (i need you),
more than anyone, darling;
you know that i have from the start.
so, build me up (build me up),
buttercup; don't break my heart.

alice and her wonderland.

test tomorrow, test yesterday, but never ever ever test today.

today was pretty alright. i'm not looking forward to the calculus test tomorrow, but then again, who is?

probably dream. even though she took it a few weeks ago. pssh. bc students.

new golf clubs are here for pops. it's a good thing.

i had a most interesting conversation with my parents over dinner concerning stock, shares, loans, interest, and social security. i now have a better - but not good - understanding of money i don't see.

i love rain.

i wrote something today, and only when i went to sign and date it did i realize that i have now been one year my own person. for as depressing as i thought today would be, it just wasn't. it was an average day, nothing spectaular, and i didn't give it much thought even after noticing, mainly because i had just written about it without realizing.

so now that i'm completely me, what next? new deal? fair deal? put another roosevelt in office?

perfect taco number one.

what a fanFREAKINGtastic day.

i got to watch a movie, be part of a duo, laugh, interject in the socratic seminar, have some senior questions answered, laugh some more, watch another movie, rock out on a test, draw a funny diagram, sing some more, watch the rain, gain another service hour, and come home!

how about you?

oh, how nice to be motivated.

once spitten, forever smitten.

it was a great day, even when my vcr committed suicide. the james version of hamlet is more exciting anyways.

i saw alex after school. it was cool and he gave me a hispanic kiss on the cheek. he's one of the nicest, most sincere people i've ever met.

in case you haven't noticed, only foreigners, craig, and x can make a noise on the library cases using their fingertips.

i wish i had an accent. i do sometimes at work. i either go for southern or, when i'm feeling lucky, english.

time to get ready to fail a socratic seminar tomorrow because i simply don't talk in class.

spechal olympics

germany has pink "uniforms" for volleyball.

gay.

two out of three ain't bad.

i think the tampa bay trail is calling me again. hopefully my last outing broke in the skates, because blisters aren't much fun. if you read this within the hour, call me if you're up to coming.

my matlab still doesn't work. why does this always happen to me?

it's kind of nice that i don't have anything to do today - just some homework and studying, but that's really it. sundays truly are my fundays, bangles.

i feel like spending money on something i don't need. how about we go shopping?

i can tell this year is going to fly by. are you excited for college, or could you stand to wait the year out? i'm somewhere the between the two right now.

love me do.

a hamlet story.

i guess shakespeare wasn't meant to be a playwrite after all.

nor was my vcr ever meant to work.

i realize that i haven't made a real post in quite some time. this is due to lack of inspiration.

actually, that's a lie. i wrote about ten drafts, but they all wound up coming out crazy, so i just didn't post them.

anyways, my point is this:

goodnight.

i've been dreaming.

i guess that pretty much explains it all, not unlike clarissa.

just an old-fashioned love song.

it's been that kind of a day, complete with all sorts of wardrobe malfunctions and a project that requres me to count rabbits within a given amount of square footage.

mrs. brand is a nut.

phelps wins another gold medal tonight for being charming and handsome.

and for being my current husband. hubba hubba.

a-cha cha cha.

shns. ...wait a minute.

sister is home. all is well.

but i wish it would quit looking like it's going to rain and then not.

i have some pretty icky homework assignments - analyzing olde english poeutry, and then some gaylab problems. i love you, high school.

i say we join the fictional pink gang.

which reminds me of something jeff goldblum once said.

rachel still reads animorphs.

with that said, smeek comes back tonight.

i love my mins.

i seriously can't think of anything to say.

life's a beach.

after a tiring fight with the internet options, i finally found the address bar. thank you, andrew, for answering my questions just as i simultaneously answer them myself.

what an idiot.

penellope is actually in one of my classes. go figure. too bad it's not a talking class.

i'm all nice and sneezie.

time to do the whole hamlet thing. the only comments i will accept on this post must advocate the banning of shakespeare works as public high school must-reads.

a roayl engagement, indeed.

so, i just saw the second-best movie of all time. was it terrific? it was terrific.

tonight i will be participating in calculus, round ii. tickets are still available.

in case there was any confusion, i am engaged to michael phelps. sweeney believes she is, but alas it is love scorned for her.

not much else has happened today, so i don't have much to update on (in case you couldn't already tell).

snootchie bootchies.

margaret and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

ok. so maybe it wasn't that bad, but you know.

i've begun to make plans for may the twelfth, and i think i want to go to club inifinity. sound good?

there's no excuses my friend; let's push things forward.

time to go.

it hasn't started to rain yet and i'm only slightly anxious and nervous, so i figured i would calm my nerves by saying something useless.

british rap is probably the funniest thing i have ever heard in my life. take for example the streets. i highly recommend you download something by them so we can have a nice conversation about this at a later time.

of course, this is assuming that we totally won't lose power for a few days.

this is also assuming that we're alive at a later time.

only slightly anxious, like i said.

alise: if you pooped ice cream, would you eat it?
i really didn't know how to answer.

i don't think steinmart will be open tomorrow either.

there's no excuses my friend; let's push things forward.

it looks creepy outside.

how about a poem? hmm? would that be nice?

"Sunspot"
Blisters and the summer -
Oh, it's always such a perfect match.
Bleeding in infinity
For the heartbreak that we know shall come,
And when the hour for ending
Again does hatch,
You will realize that our swansong
Shall never be done.

This beauty we share
Will always last.
Blisters and the summer -
What a crystal match.

in the few seconds it took me to copy and paste the above, it turned gray as hell. i'm out.

you're in my prayers.

the return of the jim

so maybe it's a bit more serious than i originally thought. everyone was freaking out about the hurricane -whichever one it is - and i thought it was odd.

until i realized that it was coming straight for hillsborough.

so, this will most likely be my last post for a few days, at least.

if you're in pleasant weather, count your blessings, because i just may get a reclinada through the living room window as a nice afternoon present.

hurricane party.

i usually don't do the whole caps thing, nor am i particularly fond of exclamation points, but i've got one thing and one thing only to say:

YES!!!

hurricane party.

so, who doesn't want school to be cancelled on friday?

anyone?

that's what i thought.

pd2 came out today. i was going to see it with puffie, but i couldn't. apparently we'll have conflicting schedules for the rest of our lives, so i'll get around to renting it when i'm eighty.

in other news, i still sit somewhat next to bridget in economics. isn't it odd how that works out?

dad, on calculus: don't drink and derive.

does anyone else dislike making outlines as much as i do?

i think that's it.

goodnightway.

magic rub version calc2.0

me: in one class, three people read l.o.t.r.
mom: what's that?
me: and you call yourself my mother. it's lord of the rings. how about r.o.t.k.?
mom: i don't know.
me: return of the king. ...m.m.k.?
mom: something something king.
me: margaret mary kennedy!

red satin satan suit.

anyways. like i was saying.

in the morning:
i held one very enlightening conversation with the kirbs, one of my favorites. we had our senior assembly. i finally saw melissa and we got to talk all the way to the bottom middle end. i will have second period with bridget all year, which is cool because bridget is cool. economics is easy and chell. we must present our english report tomorrow and then i will be done with candide forever. i want to make a rifle for my engineering project. i love calculus.

in the afternoon:
i still love calculus, but not the games you have to play at the beginning of the school year to remember students' names which you will ultimately forget anyways. i'm excited about psychology and i think it will be a very interesting class. dana and i talked for about twenty minutes straight today and that totally made the rest of my afternoon, which was spent working, themeing, and - my personal favorite - sleeping.

a young mister nerdsmal.

today was pretty great. i have a gigantic headache right now, so i'll have to tell you about it later.

until then, it's homework time.

mmm. lockers.

leather face

terrific weekend.

no joke.

eep.

well, i guess that's that for summer.

i know you are reading this. i also know you know how to play pool. if you have patience and are free tomorrow night, let me know that, too, by calling me before 1:30 tomorrow.

as for now, i'm bored. i was talked out of getting the order, and no one is home. good grief fry day!

yes, the above comment was for my sissy.

i'm such a dork.

i don't want to be an algebran.

so this is what my schedule looks like:

first: ap european history
second: economics honors / vietnam war history
third: ap literature
fourth: engineering 2
fifth: ap calculus ab
sixth: sociology / humanities i
seventh: ap psychology

the only class i don't know anyone in is sociology, and that's only a wimpy semester long.

yeah. it's going to be a good year.

how was everyone's day?

the end of the innocense.

...or summer.

and it's been raining all day, so i cleaned the house.

rachel is supposedly in tampa right this very minute, but since i have no clue where in tampa she is, nor can i possibly get in touch with her, i don't know if i'll wind up seeing her or not.

on another note, is anyone up for a scary movie night? let me know soon, because i'm in dire need to rent something creepy.

in fact, it's a good afternoon for that kind of thing.

"i do believe in spooks. i do, i do, i do believe in spooks."

i'm off to visit my lover at blockbuster.

maybe that's where rachel is...

too bad.

i'm going to keep the titles anyways. if everyone hates them, it's all the more reason to go with it.

one more day until the end of the endless summer. my final thoughts: this is it. next year, people will be busy doing family ish and starting college in the summer. i hope i didn't waste a day of it, but i know that either way i enjoyed every minute.

in all honesty, i can't wait for thursday. i can wait for the rest of the year, but not for thursday.

i really have nothing to say.

candidnt

i've been reading aaaaaaaall afternoon by candle light, by jewel light, if only you will stay.

tonight is employee night after closing. if you want me to buy you something, let me know. note: you must either pay me in advance or have my trust, or it won't happen.

tomorrow, i'm boss. i find it funny that i have to hand the job over to someone else because i'll be going back to high school.

mom, on why she needs nectarines: the nectarines make it sweet.
me: like me?
mom: nope.

i'm gone.

titles.

i decided to try that out. let me know if it's gay or not.