standing on the precipice of big time

"perfect love drives out all fear."

thank you, john. i'll try to keep that in mind.

as for now, i'm relishing in all the options and having no clue what lovely door to step inside. the only thing that i fear is being alone, or lacking love.

funny how that works, isn't it?

so what is "perfect love," and what is "fear?"

only a handful of times have i experienced perfect love, and it's not what you think it is, either. i'm not talking about the boyfriend kind of love or the parent kind of love or the best friend kind of love or the really-big-crush kind of love; i'm talking about something inside of you you only experience when you need it the most to keep you going, to keep you strong, to keep you alive and well and happy and hoping.

fear? that's something we all experience, and i have no other interpretation of it for you than the one you provide yourself with.

sometimes it seems that there are so many things in life to fear that there can be no perfect love, no hope for humanity in times of suffering or stress or complete lack of direction.

and then, right when you expect it the least in the most unlikely situation you can think of to date, it happens. it washes over you and you would like to say you didn't know it was coming when it started, but you did. it comes out of your heart and swims through your body, touching every part that had been asleep for lack of motivation or out of fear of being brought to consciousness. it all awakens so suddenly and there you are, standing in a sunset or under the moon. one minute you're who you've been; the next, you're who you haven't been for a long time.

i guess that's my favorite thing to experience - this perfect love we so often seek and so rarely find.

if you don't know what i'm talking about, i suggest you find out, but i find it difficult to believe that anyone could have gotten this far without ever having felt it.

we count only blue cars.

it's been a good morning.

and also, rachel is eighteen today.

my stomach is still being kind of gay, but that's alright.

back to rachel, i'm going to have some more fantastic plans tonight. boy i cannot wait bt i still love you townhouse oh boy fun times mel c jen i love you guys you are such a great sister jess oh my gosh ryan is a fag.

i can't wait for homecoming. i really can't. it's going to be so much fun.

it is, it is.

i'm going to go pretty-up for workio. have a great afternoon, you.

and suddenly, an orange.

i'm a bit more myself now that i've talked it all out and let things settle.

in fact, i'm feeling pretty damn good at the moment.

"hi. my name is llaves or raul or something, and i did something incredibly productive tonight. TWICE."

so now that no one knows what i'm talking about, i'll fill you in:

JUST KIDDING!

everybody knows it sucks to grow up.

sunday, sunday, sunday - what a day.

i really can't update because i really don't have anything appropriate to say. while that may not have stopped me before, it's stopping me now.

i know i say things and then i don't do them, but i might not update for a while. i'm just not in the "hey. let's be us." kind of mood right now.

so, without further adieu, i leave you with a word from the man who wrote my anthem without my knowing it:

"the years go on and we're still fighting it."

chicken chunnks. ...not!

with boarded windows, it is impossible to tell what time of day it is.

i feel like a bobo.

shit, fuck, dammit.

thank you, beta, for the inspiration.

i noticed a lot of coincidences today. not that any of them were particularly significant, but i just noticed a lot of them.

good gosh. i'm tired.

goodnight.

rex manning and company

today, loves, i post my three-hundredth entry.

what makes it even more beautiful is that exactly one year ago tomorrow i started this edition of maggie, unscripted.

that would mean that i posted precisely three hundred entries in one year.

well, i found it interesting, anyways.

point is, there are a lot of birthdays in september, and i'm going out tonight, so i hope you have a great eternal weekend, as weather does not seem to be in florida's favor anymore.

brand, on predicting whether school will be in session on monday: "it all depends on this idiot* that's headed our direction."

*hurricane ivan

bazooka 'zooka bubble gum

tomorrow is a day that shall live in famy, but i cannot reveal my beautiful surprise until then.

oh, and what a lame surprise it is.

anyways, i broke my third computer today in engineering. erv supposedly fixed it, but when i left fourth period it would not restart but only say that i had indeed f-ed up. something about a drive not fitting, which is complete crap.

i. hate. matlab.

today was alright other than that. tomorrow is friday, which made this a very easy week, and i have found a new hobby (for the time being). like everything else, i'll get sick of it if you'd just give me time to realize my crime.

i'm sorry. i really am. i won't do it again, karma chameleon, even though you come and go.

i mean, loving would be easy if your colors were like the wind: red, gold, and green.

red, gold, and green.

caterpillars that do the worm

i missed school. five days of weekend is five days too many.

i wrote both of my essays yesterday for my application and have set them aside for the rest of the week, hoping that with time they will become ripe and insightful.

what a load.

i have taken a liking to painting. it is my new boyfriend for the time being.

before i go, i have to ask you a question. you are required to answer it honestly:

do you really want to hurt me?

puddles and pinball

"it's lonely here in outer space.
the nearest stars are miles away,
but i believe i'm on to something big."

i guess i'm in between. everything is now "this time two years ago," and it's just lonesome and very losery to be saying things like that.

i love that i have no commitments to anyone, no devotions to anyone, no promises i must keep, no questions i must answer. i love feeling what i want to feel, wearing what i want to wear, being who i want to be and changing for no one unless i want to. i love trying out new things and not having to always worry about the consequences.

but i don't love not having someone i can call my own, someone to be there for me when i don't even realize i need them them most, someone to kiss me on the forehead when i cry and hold my hand to make it go away.

"... but people don't just sit around all day waiting for things to end - you have to relish it while it's there; otherwise, you're missing the whole point."

i guess that should be something to live by.

sorry i don't make any sense. it's just that it's really hard sometimes when love is dangled right in front of your face and you can't catch it to save you.

proportionally

only the second half of my street had the power go out.

all day.

everyone else was apparently fine.

but it wasn't that bad. i called dreamboat and we had some laughs, and later i went over to jim's house.

if you're wondering how we're faring over on the w. c. d. and you don't live in-state, it's probably just like how it is at your house, except there are pieces of tree everywhere, the pool is literally overflowing, and it hasn't stopped raining in over twenty-four hours.

other than that, we really didn't get it too bad - i just feel bad for those who did.

just to give the non-locals an idea:

the rain is sometimes falling horizontally, which makes it not really falling but flying. the winds kick up at least once every minute such that all the shubbery and plants growing alongside a wall or window plaster themselves upon the house. there aren't really any clouds, but rather one large gray mass where the sky used to be. nothing drastic has happened here (yet), so hopefully nothing will. the power is still on, but i haven't seen one car go by all morning.

the neighbors moved back to pakistan.

shallow days

adam duritz, you can sum up my life in a few lines.

hey mr. freedom -
what are we supposed to think?

homework assignment:

after viewing suspect zero , rent empire records .

the first person to tell me what made me and alicia nearly piss our pants tonight wins the gold.

oh, and twenty dollars or something.

minus the twenty dollars and the gold; i'll just give you something.

x 2

well, well, well. it looks as though we have another hurricane on our hands.

while this is a dangerous perdicament in which we find ourselves, it is also a no-school perdicament.

natural disasters, i knew you were good for something.

spider king

i never realized just how funny the wide world of ebaum truly is until last night.

tonight is question marks still, so we'll see.

it was a much better day today than yesterday. the sudden death calculus test wound up not having horrendous results, and i mustered up the courage to put in twenty cents worth in english. i did the engineering lab correctly, and i missed my usual two on the history quiz ("did you study? did you study? huh? did you study?").

henery the eighth i am, i am.

everyone who didn't donate blood raise your hand.

i guess it's just me and the underclassmen.

needles. i mean, it doesn't even sound slightly pleasurable. no satisfaction guaranteed.
"i donated blood, but now i have a HUGE GAPING HOLE IN MY VEIN. how are you?"
"i'm intact, thank you."

that's my day.

a classic case of he said/she said

sometimes a year just isn't short enough.

handbags and gladrags

it's been a homeworkie night - not much fun and very full of hamlet.

i can't talk now, so just circle one already.

turtle ceramics

dear morningstar farms,
you messed up. you forgot to put "of death" underneath "spicy black bean burger."
just thought i'd let you know.
thanks for your accuracy.
not.
love,
maggie kennedy

now that that's out of the way, i made some pottery with alicia this afternoon. 'twas fun. the best part was her writing "nypd" instead of "nyfd."

fimes.

i'll dress you up in my love, all over, all over.

out of things to say.

(dream: just kidding. miracles don't happen, but i already told you that. he nearly pulled a scottsman, too, but didn't.)

appels + oranjes

well, miracles happen.

what was yours?

dear everyone,

i am a mean, mean person.

first in-school post of the year

i guess you know where i am.

so, my sister gets to go to more college since she passed some collegie test yesterday.

speaking of college, i can't wait until next year. i don't know if sweeney still wants to room with me now that she has somewhat of an idea of how crazy i am, but i still can't wait. i'd even be excited if a had to take a sarah titkemeir ("let's take it home to mother!").

i dislike making notecards.

sigh, ap exams. you rule my life from the future.

no matter. it's friday, and my friends and i have potentially begun to make potential plans for the weekend. ten-to-five saturdays are my new best friends.

until next time, lover.

LuV 2 CoLoR!!!!!!!111one

"no, you can't always get what you want;
you get what you need."

that pretty much sums up the day. it was terrific, but, as the song goes...

a good song to be stuck in everyone's head.

why do you build me up (build me up),
buttercup, baby,
just to let me down (let me down)
and mess me around?
and then worst of all (worst of all)
you never call, baby,
when you say you will (say you will),
but i love you still.
i need you (i need you),
more than anyone, darling;
you know that i have from the start.
so, build me up (build me up),
buttercup; don't break my heart.

alice and her wonderland.

test tomorrow, test yesterday, but never ever ever test today.

today was pretty alright. i'm not looking forward to the calculus test tomorrow, but then again, who is?

probably dream. even though she took it a few weeks ago. pssh. bc students.

new golf clubs are here for pops. it's a good thing.

i had a most interesting conversation with my parents over dinner concerning stock, shares, loans, interest, and social security. i now have a better - but not good - understanding of money i don't see.

i love rain.

i wrote something today, and only when i went to sign and date it did i realize that i have now been one year my own person. for as depressing as i thought today would be, it just wasn't. it was an average day, nothing spectaular, and i didn't give it much thought even after noticing, mainly because i had just written about it without realizing.

so now that i'm completely me, what next? new deal? fair deal? put another roosevelt in office?

perfect taco number one.

what a fanFREAKINGtastic day.

i got to watch a movie, be part of a duo, laugh, interject in the socratic seminar, have some senior questions answered, laugh some more, watch another movie, rock out on a test, draw a funny diagram, sing some more, watch the rain, gain another service hour, and come home!

how about you?

oh, how nice to be motivated.

once spitten, forever smitten.

it was a great day, even when my vcr committed suicide. the james version of hamlet is more exciting anyways.

i saw alex after school. it was cool and he gave me a hispanic kiss on the cheek. he's one of the nicest, most sincere people i've ever met.

in case you haven't noticed, only foreigners, craig, and x can make a noise on the library cases using their fingertips.

i wish i had an accent. i do sometimes at work. i either go for southern or, when i'm feeling lucky, english.

time to get ready to fail a socratic seminar tomorrow because i simply don't talk in class.

spechal olympics

germany has pink "uniforms" for volleyball.

gay.

two out of three ain't bad.

i think the tampa bay trail is calling me again. hopefully my last outing broke in the skates, because blisters aren't much fun. if you read this within the hour, call me if you're up to coming.

my matlab still doesn't work. why does this always happen to me?

it's kind of nice that i don't have anything to do today - just some homework and studying, but that's really it. sundays truly are my fundays, bangles.

i feel like spending money on something i don't need. how about we go shopping?

i can tell this year is going to fly by. are you excited for college, or could you stand to wait the year out? i'm somewhere the between the two right now.

love me do.

a hamlet story.

i guess shakespeare wasn't meant to be a playwrite after all.

nor was my vcr ever meant to work.

i realize that i haven't made a real post in quite some time. this is due to lack of inspiration.

actually, that's a lie. i wrote about ten drafts, but they all wound up coming out crazy, so i just didn't post them.

anyways, my point is this:

goodnight.

i've been dreaming.

i guess that pretty much explains it all, not unlike clarissa.

just an old-fashioned love song.

it's been that kind of a day, complete with all sorts of wardrobe malfunctions and a project that requres me to count rabbits within a given amount of square footage.

mrs. brand is a nut.

phelps wins another gold medal tonight for being charming and handsome.

and for being my current husband. hubba hubba.

a-cha cha cha.

shns. ...wait a minute.

sister is home. all is well.

but i wish it would quit looking like it's going to rain and then not.

i have some pretty icky homework assignments - analyzing olde english poeutry, and then some gaylab problems. i love you, high school.

i say we join the fictional pink gang.

which reminds me of something jeff goldblum once said.

rachel still reads animorphs.

with that said, smeek comes back tonight.

i love my mins.

i seriously can't think of anything to say.

life's a beach.

after a tiring fight with the internet options, i finally found the address bar. thank you, andrew, for answering my questions just as i simultaneously answer them myself.

what an idiot.

penellope is actually in one of my classes. go figure. too bad it's not a talking class.

i'm all nice and sneezie.

time to do the whole hamlet thing. the only comments i will accept on this post must advocate the banning of shakespeare works as public high school must-reads.

a roayl engagement, indeed.

so, i just saw the second-best movie of all time. was it terrific? it was terrific.

tonight i will be participating in calculus, round ii. tickets are still available.

in case there was any confusion, i am engaged to michael phelps. sweeney believes she is, but alas it is love scorned for her.

not much else has happened today, so i don't have much to update on (in case you couldn't already tell).

snootchie bootchies.

margaret and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

ok. so maybe it wasn't that bad, but you know.

i've begun to make plans for may the twelfth, and i think i want to go to club inifinity. sound good?

there's no excuses my friend; let's push things forward.

time to go.

it hasn't started to rain yet and i'm only slightly anxious and nervous, so i figured i would calm my nerves by saying something useless.

british rap is probably the funniest thing i have ever heard in my life. take for example the streets. i highly recommend you download something by them so we can have a nice conversation about this at a later time.

of course, this is assuming that we totally won't lose power for a few days.

this is also assuming that we're alive at a later time.

only slightly anxious, like i said.

alise: if you pooped ice cream, would you eat it?
i really didn't know how to answer.

i don't think steinmart will be open tomorrow either.

there's no excuses my friend; let's push things forward.

it looks creepy outside.

how about a poem? hmm? would that be nice?

"Sunspot"
Blisters and the summer -
Oh, it's always such a perfect match.
Bleeding in infinity
For the heartbreak that we know shall come,
And when the hour for ending
Again does hatch,
You will realize that our swansong
Shall never be done.

This beauty we share
Will always last.
Blisters and the summer -
What a crystal match.

in the few seconds it took me to copy and paste the above, it turned gray as hell. i'm out.

you're in my prayers.

the return of the jim

so maybe it's a bit more serious than i originally thought. everyone was freaking out about the hurricane -whichever one it is - and i thought it was odd.

until i realized that it was coming straight for hillsborough.

so, this will most likely be my last post for a few days, at least.

if you're in pleasant weather, count your blessings, because i just may get a reclinada through the living room window as a nice afternoon present.

hurricane party.

i usually don't do the whole caps thing, nor am i particularly fond of exclamation points, but i've got one thing and one thing only to say:

YES!!!

hurricane party.

so, who doesn't want school to be cancelled on friday?

anyone?

that's what i thought.

pd2 came out today. i was going to see it with puffie, but i couldn't. apparently we'll have conflicting schedules for the rest of our lives, so i'll get around to renting it when i'm eighty.

in other news, i still sit somewhat next to bridget in economics. isn't it odd how that works out?

dad, on calculus: don't drink and derive.

does anyone else dislike making outlines as much as i do?

i think that's it.

goodnightway.

magic rub version calc2.0

me: in one class, three people read l.o.t.r.
mom: what's that?
me: and you call yourself my mother. it's lord of the rings. how about r.o.t.k.?
mom: i don't know.
me: return of the king. ...m.m.k.?
mom: something something king.
me: margaret mary kennedy!

red satin satan suit.

anyways. like i was saying.

in the morning:
i held one very enlightening conversation with the kirbs, one of my favorites. we had our senior assembly. i finally saw melissa and we got to talk all the way to the bottom middle end. i will have second period with bridget all year, which is cool because bridget is cool. economics is easy and chell. we must present our english report tomorrow and then i will be done with candide forever. i want to make a rifle for my engineering project. i love calculus.

in the afternoon:
i still love calculus, but not the games you have to play at the beginning of the school year to remember students' names which you will ultimately forget anyways. i'm excited about psychology and i think it will be a very interesting class. dana and i talked for about twenty minutes straight today and that totally made the rest of my afternoon, which was spent working, themeing, and - my personal favorite - sleeping.

a young mister nerdsmal.

today was pretty great. i have a gigantic headache right now, so i'll have to tell you about it later.

until then, it's homework time.

mmm. lockers.

leather face

terrific weekend.

no joke.

eep.

well, i guess that's that for summer.

i know you are reading this. i also know you know how to play pool. if you have patience and are free tomorrow night, let me know that, too, by calling me before 1:30 tomorrow.

as for now, i'm bored. i was talked out of getting the order, and no one is home. good grief fry day!

yes, the above comment was for my sissy.

i'm such a dork.

i don't want to be an algebran.

so this is what my schedule looks like:

first: ap european history
second: economics honors / vietnam war history
third: ap literature
fourth: engineering 2
fifth: ap calculus ab
sixth: sociology / humanities i
seventh: ap psychology

the only class i don't know anyone in is sociology, and that's only a wimpy semester long.

yeah. it's going to be a good year.

how was everyone's day?

the end of the innocense.

...or summer.

and it's been raining all day, so i cleaned the house.

rachel is supposedly in tampa right this very minute, but since i have no clue where in tampa she is, nor can i possibly get in touch with her, i don't know if i'll wind up seeing her or not.

on another note, is anyone up for a scary movie night? let me know soon, because i'm in dire need to rent something creepy.

in fact, it's a good afternoon for that kind of thing.

"i do believe in spooks. i do, i do, i do believe in spooks."

i'm off to visit my lover at blockbuster.

maybe that's where rachel is...

too bad.

i'm going to keep the titles anyways. if everyone hates them, it's all the more reason to go with it.

one more day until the end of the endless summer. my final thoughts: this is it. next year, people will be busy doing family ish and starting college in the summer. i hope i didn't waste a day of it, but i know that either way i enjoyed every minute.

in all honesty, i can't wait for thursday. i can wait for the rest of the year, but not for thursday.

i really have nothing to say.

candidnt

i've been reading aaaaaaaall afternoon by candle light, by jewel light, if only you will stay.

tonight is employee night after closing. if you want me to buy you something, let me know. note: you must either pay me in advance or have my trust, or it won't happen.

tomorrow, i'm boss. i find it funny that i have to hand the job over to someone else because i'll be going back to high school.

mom, on why she needs nectarines: the nectarines make it sweet.
me: like me?
mom: nope.

i'm gone.

titles.

i decided to try that out. let me know if it's gay or not.

on why i love kurreeuns.

dream: i love mr. schutz. i mean... oh, crap.

another rilo kiley fan jumps on the popcorn wagon. anyone else care to join?

it was pretty busy at work and i got kind of sick (physically, emotionally, literally, and every other -lly you can think of) towards the end. just before i was about to lose it, meghan came back and i high-tailed it out of that joint.

that's about all i can say for today. it was great until recently, and i have no idea why.

the cow humped over the moon.

goodbye, ruby tuesday. steinmart loses another one.

i'm terri next week. i need to step-up the complaint level. also, i need to lose about a million pounds and gain a foreign accent.

i'm up for the challenge.

the simon challenge, that is.

dream sure does love boogers.

oh. oh. oh. i can't believe i almost forgot to tell you: john kerry (yes; THE john kerry) sent a handwritten letter to my dad. i feel so special living in a house where a kerry letter resides.

don't you just love election year? the big guys get together and think of brilliant things they can waste their money on, like special fonts that look like handwriting or the most staged kodak moments you'll ever see in your life. we still have the authentic george and laura bush picture they took in front of... someplace, but that won't swing the vote.

did anyone else laugh when they saw that picture on schutz's bulletin board? i nearly peed myself. in fact, i'm pretty sure i did.

i totally had a terrific day.

hi. my name is nonsequential order.

the big n. o.

i want to go home.

when the truth is found to be lies and all the joy within you dies, don't you want somebody to love? don't you need somebody to love? wouldn't you love somebody to love?

you better find somebody to love.

uuuv.

happy birthday to my favorite balls.

raar!

ok.

monday night: saw spiderman dos.   terrific movie.

then the group minus dream went out to steak and shuffle, where andrew gave me janitor bear in the exclusive ecolab series.

tuesday, i knocked out a quarter of the ap european homework in the morning and went to work in the afternoon. rachel visited me and we made plans to do some (not-so) serious packing after i signed out. andrew stopped by later and we chortled over the true purpose of fashion tape.

that night, we threw two vases, a sock, and some bread into the pond at rachel's apartment, and we all discovered andrew cannot spell "murder."

rud rum.

today i took a tour at uf, home of the gators and (hopefully) the future home of me. after the tour, we met up with my sister for an hour or so.

surprise. she's going to california in a week.

i came home and left promptly to buy something neat for graham and something else that's neat for alan. i wonder if it's cool to share your birthday with someone.

sorry for leaving my away message on all day yesterday or monday or whenever that was. i don't think that's a particularly hip thing to do.

also, i will never see alicia again. it seems as though she is permanently on vacation.

if anyone by chance reads this and wants to hang out tonight or tomorrow morning (what am i saying?), let me know. i'm fond of spontaneatousity at the moment.

bye.

what a wonderful day. nothing even happened and it was great.

i love being optimistic.

how about you?

i am such an idiot.

you know what i just realized?

school starts in two weeks.

if you're a complete and utter loser like those nuts who make calendars and believe that the week begins on sunday, then school starts next week.

either way, the summer is over.

100% excited, 50% reluctant.

today was great.

i woke up late, decided that i should get up, and fell back asleep for another hour.

i went outside for a while to soak up the sun and did my nails in this horribly loud shade of red.

i worked with heelarious customers who were afraid to have me ring up their underwear and actually saw a chiuaua that i found to be cute.

meghan was at work, too, and the flavs came by for a bit.

i saw heather dickson and mrs. mccaffery, the latter of which i did not talk to, the former of which i had a pleasant conversation with.

i talked to dream for the entire duration of my break and we laughed about mayors and such.

i came home and ate pudding.

i laughed.

i put my feet on my dad's pillow.

all in all, it was a terrific day.

i had to work in the morning.

semi-cool.

after work, i came home and piddled around, being piddlie and all. i called rachel and we talked and she talked to her mom and i talked to my mom and then we talked some more.

in the end, we wound up renting the butterfly effect, buying some free ice cream, and popping some kettle corn. a fun time was had by all.

were i not so tired at present, i would elaborate and make this a funny entry, but i am tired at present, and this is not a funny entry at all.

so, bye.

it's been a good day, and it's only 2:10 in the afternoon.

this morning, i got up early to fix my schedule, which i didn't wind up fixing at all. i'm going to try to get into ap psychology in place of ap statistics, but of course, everything's still as it was this morning.

after that, i decided to hike down to citrus and check out the upper tampa bay trail. i suggest two pairs of socks for skating.

then i came home and sat outside making vitamin d.

how about you?

close your eyes; think of someone that you loved and trouble not. remember all the joy they brought, for life is full of tears, and like a shot it's soon over, dear, but love is not.

i saw an elderly woman wearing a pink shirt that said "laugh." she had the funniest look on her face, but it sure as hell wasn't laughter.
 
anyways, i bought my homecoming dress.
 
i. love. it.
 
i'm looking forward to trying to match jewelry to it, because unlike last year's fiasco, this time it'll be easy. in fact, i already found AND bought the most bitching pair of earring i've ever seen in my life. another great feature is that it's a halter, so i don't even have to bother trying to get rid of tan lines.
 
like you really cared.
 
now i just need to get him to ask me.

p. s. : anything by linkin park reminds me of david keller.

i'm listening to all the music i loved sophomore year.
 
songs are one of two things that make me remember all sorts of stuff i forget, the other being my silly little sense of smell.
 
for example, i happed upon "i want to hear you sad" by early november.
 
woah. did THAT one throw me for a duzy.
 
that song makes me think about sunshine and teardrops and lonliness.
 
then i listened to "movies" by alien ant farm, a song i don't think i'll ever be able to sit through without crying.
 
well, or at least think about crying.
 
what i get out of that song is that hey - it sucks breaking up, and it's not going to be a happy ending even when you think you want it the most.
 
yeah. that's depressing enough for me.
 
"head over feet" by alanis morissette reminds me of one particular scene. every time i hear that song, i think of fourth grade. i was sitting on my bed with the radio on and had just realized that i left my role mole at church. that was a sad hour to pass.
 
"push" by matchbox twenty is another fourth grade song. i was daydreaming in the middle of the afternoon and the sun was shining in through my window very strong, but i was either too stupid or too lazy to move. the next time i heard it was a few years later. my mom and i were driving home from somewhere. i think i was wearing the green old navy shirt i wore for years and got rid of last summer. we were on bearss when it began to play.
 
what else?
 
"crash" by dave matthews band. that one takes me back to the day - the first day of fifth grade, that is. i was getting ready for school and was rightly excited. i was standing in front of the mirror in my purple polo and bluejeans when it came on. i put on my blue and silver flower necklace right when he said, "crash into me, baby."
 
something upsetting i have to admit is that there is one song that always makes me unbearably, suicidally depressed. it's not so much embarrassing that i get that way as it is the song that does it to me: "mama" by the spice girls. just why, i can't explain, but it was always greatly upsetting to me. the fact that it's a spice girls song just makes it all the more worse. perhaps that's why it's depressing to listen to. 
  
"billy jean" makes me think of dancing in my biology class freshman year. that never happened, but i often thought of how cool it would be to walk into class one day wearing a black pantsuit and black hat and start "breaking it down," if you will, for mrs. yerves and her sixth period posse.
 
actually, any michael jackson song makes me want to pull that shit.
 
i mean, "made."
 
any crystal method ditty reminds me of last fall and steak and shake, mainly because i went into a techno frenzy right around homecoming. it therefore leads me to think of candles, giggling, and the being a total fag.
 
"brown-eyed girl" reminds me of my blue-eyed cousin's wedding.
 
all apples in stereo songs make me think of presque isle and being a hippy for the summer.
 
"sweetness" by jimmy eat world makes me think of alex and the most odd way to date someone. i distinctly remember listening to it on my green cd player around midnight in the front room of my grandmother's house in july in pennsylvania.
 
"drops of jupiter" = sharp turn onto the veterans expressway after my sister's high school graduation dinner at some foo-foo seafood place near the beach + purple lights and dana sleeping over at my house the summer before freshman year.
 
i'm typed out.
 
aren't you lucky?

i was reading over some old entries. besides finding that i am a complete idiot (no comments about that statement, please.), i found the entry on the old lady who tried to talk to me on my lunch break last october.
 
you know, that still upsets me. i feel really weird and bad about it. in fact, i think about it a lot. not obsessively or anything, but it crosses my mind every now and then.
 
i mean, what if her husband had died a year ago that day and she was out trying to pass the lonely hours with pleasant conversation and a cup of sunshine?
 
what if her daughter had died of cancer a few years ago and she was trying to fill the void by talking to such a lovely young rose as myself (no comments on this, either.)?
 
what if her first grandson was stillborn that very same day at three o'clock in the morning and she wanted someone to laugh with to make it not seem so sad?
 
what if she had just come from the doctor's office and they told her she had a malignant tumor and that she would not live to see the next october?
 
this is why it upsets me.
 
why didn't i just say something to her?

i shall now regale you with the story of my saturday evening with rachel:
 
we went to borders and then saw napoleon dynamite.
 
now that i have accomplished my final task for the day, i sleep.
 
(yes. i do mean sunday, the eighteenth. looks like it'll be a pretty easy day.)

yesterday was pretty cool, after i got over wanting to puke all over the back seat. long fights ended, and i talked to lion guy.
 
i'm going to get my pictures developed today. not that any of you care, because it's not like you'll ever see them.
 
school starts relatively soon. i've got mixed emotions on that. how about you?
 
well, for lack of anything better to say, i'm going to begin my travels around t-town. if i go into work and find that i am scheduled for today, i'll kill someone.

back.

well, i found a puter.

so i'm at ocean isle beach with my aunt kerry. we went to the beach this morning and turned all sorts of shades of mexico in this 100 degree weather.

after that, my mom and i went shopping, and my aunt and my dad played some golf. guess who won?

ok. so there's no need to guess.

we all met up again and went out to dinner at sharky's, an open-air place where heat is the main course, as well as the appetizer, dessert, and refillable beverage of choice.

i then had a hee-larious conversation with andrew while my dad was driving crazy and missing turns left and right (pun intended). we shopped in callihan's of callibash, the store that does. not. end. after that, we got some tasty ouse cream at someplace.

and now i am here, spinning around in this nice spinning chair, getting dizzy and talking to my dad about the unpleasantness of literal meaning of the phrase "bite me."

needless to say, it's a deep conversation, and we all know i can't do two things at once.

and, well, you lose.

tonight i gave the best goodbye a girl could give to the best friend a girl could have for fourteen years.

it's odd how so many things can change, and yet others still remain quite the same.

we quit having classes together long ago; english this year was a stroke of good luck. we no longer share all the same friends, nor clubs nor other hobbies. our jobs are quite different, and the situations we have been placed in differ in infinity - i don't think i could leave this place; you are certainly stronger.

but what we share is so spectacularly unique that i will not even try to explain it. it's a special bond between two friends that can be seen in a two-hour conversation with no lull, that can be witnessed in the sweet memory of childhood games, that can be heard in the laughter still shared after the inevitable passage of time and an oncoming separation by miles.

there are many times when i think that all i ever recall from yesterday was just something i made up in my spare time to make it seem like i had a friend, but i know in my heart that i always had one and always will.

so here's to you. i will miss you infinitely, but God will not lead you astray; i know you will prosper in your ventures and shine like the star you always were. know that you are in my heart and in my prayers, and that the legend of the fudgecows shall never die (it was necessary to kill the moment.).

i love you!

wow. great day for being the fourth of july. it's only my second-favorite "holiday" ever, and the world looks like it's about to end.

great day for being the fourth of sucky july.

don't rent mystic river . ever.

i'm all packed and ready to go. it's exciting to know i won't be steinmart's bitch for the next few weeks.

i started on the homework. it's a really easy assignment. then again, i haven't looked at it in a few days, so maybe it has morphed into something i'll never finish.

look at that. it already did.

is anyone up for spiderman 2 ?

i need to go outside and bake.

perhaps that would make me - how you say... half-baked?

like a 'tato.

monday is laura's goingawayforever party. sad like woah.

on a happier note, beagle puppies.

we're leaving for myrtle beach/erie on tuesday, so if i forget to update, i shall type again in two weeks.

also, if you would like to text me while i'm gone, i will gladly receive your messages and think fondly of you.

unless you are a fudgey.

i really have nothing to say.

good day.

july is the strangest month.

what ever happens in july? after the fourth, there's really nothing to look forward to, because we all know it's the most stagnant month of all, sandwiched between the middle month, neutral june, and the anxiously awaited new-school-year month, august.

i mean it.

every time you think of a fond memory, it didn't take place in july, did it?

no. because nothing ever happens in july.

no one finds a boyfriend because the summer is almost over and no one wants to chance any new relationship trickling back to high school.

no one gets married because it's too damn hot everywhere.

no one has a birthday, except for maybe two people. ever.

no one reads a great book because we're all cramming summer reading assignments into thirty-one days, far too occupied with writing half-hearted essays to actually enjoy the characters.

no one writes poetry.

no one plays football.

no one's cat has kittens.

when you're having an odd day and completely forget what time of year it is, you think it's either december or april.

do you get what i'm saying?

vote for:
suvs.
goats.
satin.
worms.
clocks.
boats.
trees.
the new eleven-month calendar.

what a spectacular weekend.

paige came to visit on saturday. after i got off of work, we went out to dinner at mimi's and then saw saved! .

hilarious.

sunday we went to the beach and met our future hubbies, tod the bod and matt with the bandana-hat. we rented monster at night. great movie, but a tad bit morbid.

monday i had to work in the morning, so at night we went bowling with amigos. reno 911! occupied us later.

tuesday we malled it and took some insane pictures.

then paige left and whilst i organized socks.

so that was my past few days. bet you can't top that.

thought for the evening: jen cason is really something.

this evening i started to write something with a purpose, and then i stopped.

paige is coming tomorrow. kissimee, so kiss me already.

the end.

just kidding. poodle is coming to visit this saturday, which means that i am not only ecstatic about the upcoming weekend, but that i need to finish cleaning my ugly quarters.

i've got the days planned out, which means it'll probably be ruined by rain, but who cares? she's still coming!

by the way, guess whose bloggie you're reading?

um. THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH FOR STEINMART 58's bloggie!

so yesterday was a spechal day.

yay for me.

melba bitch is home for the afternoon. for this i am happy.

i can't wait until homecoming. too bad it's four months away.

"guess what?"
"what?"
"i'm still three today."

i have absolutely nothing to say.

i don't have anything of interest to say, and i haven't for the past few days, but since i haven't written more than one sentence in the two most recent entries, i feel a need to write, regardless.

i've been cleaning my room for the past two days and came across some interesting stuff, like old notes, old pictures, and - my favorite so far - the duck with no wings. he's gotten a bit dusty over the years, but he's still hilarious to look at.

i think it's nice that everyone is either paired up, pairing up, or gone for the summer. isn't it funny how that works out?

the answer is "yes," so long as funny equals not funny at all .

i like sister hazel.

i have successfully tasted like garlic for the past four hours. delish.

what's your favorite local beach?

i have clippies in my hair.

i like playing therapist - it makes me feel useful. it's a favorite of puff's, too. now i know why.

goodness gracious. it's great balls of fire.

bummedness. paige isn't coming. i'm going to leave so i can cry my face off.

thanks for reading.

love,
manic depression society vp

stupid work, always having sales.

yay for paige!

life has been like jello lately.

rachel and i went galivanting around westshore yestday after eating french air and three kinds of ketchup. it was delightful.

there is an official maya angeleau section of sheer maddness (cards) at the hallmark store. i'm disappointed.

even though my opening statement didn't do much to demonstrate my own sanity.

i wonder if ludacris knows his name means crazy .

smbridgie is applying at smsteinie. i'm smhappy.

and smtired.

i think i'm going to go. early smorning tomorrow.

i love thunderstorms.

amber's surprise party was tons-o-fun. from the karaoke to the foreign accents, it was a stupendous evening.

last night i got lost. thanks, puffle. i can't remember the last time i walked into the wrong house or laughed so hard.

today is blah. it looks like it's going to rain, so i guess i won't be getting a tan before senior pictures, round two.

vbs starts tomorrow. woot for planting on the farm.

time to get started on that pile of summer reading.

i woke up and thought about you.
just layed there for an hour, two hours, forever
and thought about what it was like to kiss you.

i woke up and thought about you
and how we could have avoided this whole mess
and how i never would've loved you if we had.

where did you go?

"pleeease remember me."

today is my funday, though it isn't sunday (i never understood that lyric).

first up is lunch out with puff daddy to catch up on things, then we'll swing by and pick up what's-her-face (only kidding, heather; of course i remember your name.) and go see the new harry potter movie. i'm looking forward to doing a non-school f(r)unction thing with smbridget. i do believe it'll be a first. well, maybe second or third, but you get the point.

later on i'll sit outside and tan my hide. if i'm retaking pictures, i may as well look completely fake and brown.

then tonight i'm going out to dinner at the world-famous question mark chateau with the nolts.

i finally found some decent pictures of me on my mom's camera, so i sent then to paige, who is TOTALLY HOT. i can't wait to see her this summer; boy i cannot wait bt i love you townhouse nurses rock clinical all day bt i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so hopefully alicia is going to call me because the movie starts in an hour.

i'm going to go think about it really hard so it'll happen, just like in the apex stories.

santa paige is coming to town.

wow. my senior pictures came out muy horrible, but that bad news came after spending the morning shopping and bugging alicia at work.

it hasn't rained yet today. for this i am sad.

time to get ready for laundry hour.

hello. my name is computer, and i don't like to work right now.

tonight we're going over to the hussin abode to partake in the hockey enjoyment.

other than that, i've got nothing.

the sat went well, i do believe. then again, i said that last time and i wound up taking it again.

we shall see.

jim's party was spifferific, and he seemed to be amused by my "present," if you will. i'm just sad that he'll be gone all summer. oh, well; you win some, you lose most.

bickety-bam. i have regained possession of my yearbook. it was worth waiting two weeks just to have "sheepage" written in it.

oh, and the sweetest thing ever, besides.

man, do you remember the days by the old school-yard? (this is where dustin chimes in and we continue to make up lyrics because no one knows what is said other than "do you remember the days by the old school-yard?")

it feels like it's been months since school let out.

if you need an umbrella, come by steinmart and buy a jelly brelly. i'll even pay you back in full if you pop the handle.

it's come to my attention that a blog is a very stupid idea, and i must agree to some extent on this observation. i never write in depth about how i feel; i just discuss things that happen, but rarely my reaction to these events.

why is this stupid? i have an entire archive of entries - long, emotional, personal entries - about absolutely nothing in particular that happened, but about how i'm feeling.

actually, that's a lie. i used to have an entire archive before my computer got sick, died, and was resurrected by schroeder the great.

anyways, my point is this: yeah, it's crazy that someone would write about their own self and their own reactions to everyday life and then post it on the internet for all the world to read (with aim profile linking action!). the reason i keep an online journal is for my own enjoyment. the fact that some of my friends get a kick out of it just makes me update it on a regular basis.

now that i have justified what will in a few months be a year of blogging on one superblog, i leave.

goodnightway.

what a nice guy.

isn't it funny to be naked? i always laugh when someone tells me they aren't wearing any clothes. it just never seems right.

i went shopping with amber today - clothed, mind you. it was grand fun. and now i smell like sweet pea.

i can't wait until next year. mmm. seniors.

publish post.

happy birthday, mom!

sorry for dropping all the pekkles - "i didn't know!" but truly, what does it all mean?