The year in review

(This is going to be one of the more openly honest posts, and yet I like to leave something to be desired. Make of it what you will, but mostly I wrote this for me.)

2005 did a lot to me - some of it good, some of it bad. Sure; there are always ups and downs, but it seems like this past year both were pretty extreme. I had my phenomenal moments that changed my status as a person, gaining insight into other ways of thinking and feeling and being and believing. Yet another song is ingrained in my mind as a "his" song, and I've come to find that love is something you can only capture a few times. I have gone back to places I swore I would never revisit, and I have found new methods of easing the pain of just living. I have succeeded in turning my thought patterns completely upside-down; I have changed some who I am to be the person I am convinced the world wants me to be. I have hurt and I have been hurt. I have confided and lost contact with people who still mean a lot to me; I have grown tragically close to people who I cannot confide in. I have fallen in love with things that aren't even things and I have lost motivation for much of what I once seemed to live solely for. Every day it gets easier for me to walk away from what I characterize 2005 as being the year of, and yet I know that certain days it's more than just a haunting. I cannot forget someone who I know can hardly find the time to remember me, but I can sleep easy knowing that the ounce of hope I used to hang on to has completely evaporated into just that - hope. I have dealt with loss in its many faces, and I have forgotten how to write. I have traveled far from home and not wanted to come back; I have been anxious for change and it has found me. Though at times I cannot stand the pain of just sitting and thinking and letting myself feel how I truly feel, I have come to accept that it is a necessary step in the process of becoming a properly functioning human. I like to hide and I like to play cat-and-mouse, but inside I go through a lot more than I let on to even myself. I have moved on from the only boy I've ever been in love with. I think I have found someone worth the effort, but sometimes I get scared that everything is a big joke and my falling for it is the punch line. I have done regrettable things, unforgettable things, had life-altering experiences, and made memories too precious in whatever way to be forgettable. I: swam in the Aegean Sea; drank champagne at sunset; saw the most beautiful splay of life laid right out in front of me; felt the ridiculous hopelessness unearthed in the twenty seconds of clarity when the meaning of life was revealed, then lost; locked myself into rather sticky situations (but never let on that I didn't mind); figured someone out entirely, and it certainly wasn't me; discovered the many useful qualities of taking life at a slower pace; learned that the exact value of a dollar on any given day is as close to the value of ten when you're unemployed; let myself find out for myself that it's ok to live my life differently than how I am apparently supposed to experience it. I feel that they're all right - that over time I am improving but some days are worse than the ones preceding. I am changed so much that I can never wholly go back to being who I was, but I am still searching nonetheless for just the memory of being stupidly happy and living every day in the sunshine of self-acceptance. I have problems, but I have finally begun to witness the fruits of a truly concerted effort to see them fade.

I am hopeful for the upcoming year and characteristically feel foolish admitting that I can see my little camel going somewhere. 2005 saw me change by leaps and bounds, and I believe 2006 will prove to be a landmark year for:

• Learning to share myself more openly so I may embrace that daft (Yes; "daft.") girl internally;
• Laughing more often;
• Singing Journey like there was no greater joy in the world.