Mmm-kay!

This has nothing to do with anything. I wrote it last year and found it today. It touched me, so here it is.

----------------------------------------------

"And just like the movies,
We've played out our last sceen."

Wow. I saw it coming, but I never saw this coming. All the time and all the distance, and here I am again, eighteen, and still so much in love with something that was always mine for the taking, never mine to have again.

"No, I won't be afraid,
Just as long as you stand,
Stand by me."

I love him so much; I would so anything for him. I would collect all the stars in the sky and keep them in his eyes where they belong. I would stand like an idiot under the mistletoe waiting for him to come around on Christmas Eve. I would move back home and change everything in my life just to taste him, if only once more, and wait on him like I've been waiting on him since the day we first met.

"I remember running through the wet grass,
Falling a step behind..."

Saturday night is all I can think about. We were meant to be. I don't understand it, but we were made to be together. Some people search their whole life for what we were handed years ago, and still we can't make it work. There's too much now; we're adults, and I'm here and he's there, but we're everywhere together.

"We're such crazy babies, little monkey.
We're so fucked-up, you and me."

We've been through so much together and so much apart, and even the things we weren't there for are important. It's everything, and he's everything. He's every good thought I have and every time I'm alone, he's the one I need to hold me. He's fate and he's shooting stars and he's fireworks on the fourth of July. He's my favorite day of the year and he's the old love song on the radio.

"We make a lifetime commitment
To recovering the satellites.
All anyone really wants to know is
When you gonna come down?"

But it can't be. For every reason in the world, it can't be, but it could be if it weren't for everything else. We're perfect for each other, but we're so far gone... I keep thinking that if we'd been together over the summer, something different could have come of this; that if I had had the balls to suck it up and golf-course it at the end of June, I could be with someone truly amazing.

"You can't always get what you want,
But if you try sometimes,
You just might find
You get what you need."

The thing is, I do have someone truly amazing. He's still mine, as I am always his. We're head over heels in love, and there's not a thing in the world anyone can do about it. It's not as tragic as it might have been a few years ago, but it is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I can't imagine what I would be if it weren't for him, and I honestly don't want to know. I would be a million times worse off, and I certainly wouldn't be OK on a day like today. I love him and he loves me - that's all that matters. The world may be crashing down around me, but it doesn't matter.

"You say it best
When you say nothing at all."

That's how it's going to be from here on out - a promise for happiness, if only...

Dear Everyone Who Reads This,

Hi. It's your favorite Maggie. Since it's already the nineteenth of January and I've spent a full week of moping about, I figured it couldn't hurt to at least make you laugh at reading my Valentine's Day application. I encourage everyone who sees this to fill it out - single, taken, peeved, contented, serious, pissing around, drunk, sober, etc., or any combination thereof. Questions are open to interpretation, and such interpretations as I assume will be made are allowed. Cheating, slander, and otherwise inappropriate comments are encouraged.


First of all:
Name:

DOB:

Sex:

Orientation:

Current relationship status:

My last relationship ended... (terms, conditions, visiting rights, etc.):

My expertise is in:

The guys/girls/buffoons I date revel in the following personal qualities:

I attract mates by/with:

The best date I ever went on...:


T/F:
I am a needy, winy little bitch.
I like picking my dates up in my Lambo.
I have a big grill. Gold-plated.
I know what time it is.

Fill in the blank:
1. If I could be made into anything, it would be a/an _____.
2. Generally speaking, my weekends are _____.
3. _____ indicate(s) crazy times to come.
4. The only thing missing in this world is more _____.
5. My momma done told me that _____ are two-faced.

Bonus:
If granted the privilege to be Maggie's Valentine, I will celebrate the day with her and her baffling beauty by...

Like a red rubber ball...

Today was surprisingly great for no reason in particular. In fact, it should have been the exact opposite of great, as it was extremely cold (see: Maggie's deep hatred for cold), extremely intense (see: three-hour lecture of doom), and extremely lonely (see: never again listening to U2 with the same heart).

I guess I'm at the point where I realize the benefits of dwelling on it for a few days, and then I reap the benefits of turning out alright.

I've been writing a lot lately - not here, obviously - but I feel it has served me well. In the future, perhaps some ridiculous sensation will come over me and I will want to look back and relive this; perhaps not. In any case, I'm doing something I haven't been able to do in a long time. I'm not sure just why this is, but I have a feeling everything's connected somehow...

Cycle, much?

Yeah. I copied you.

Your dating personality profile: Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates. Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life. Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.

Your date match profile: Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about. Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things. Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Outgoing 2. Adventurous 3. Big-Hearted 4. Liberal 5. Stylish 6. Athletic 7. Romantic 8. Funny 9. Religious 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Shy 2. Adventurous 3. Athletic 4. Stylish 5. Practical 6. Funny 7. Big-Hearted 8. Conservative 9. Traditional 10. Romantic

Take the Online Dating'>http://www.datingdiversions.com/">Dating Profile Quiz at Dating'>http://www.datingdiversions.com/">Dating Diversions

Short and sweet

Well, one thing I'm thankful for is good friends. They're rare, but they're jewels.

Thank you.

Nudillos

See the stone set in your eyes,
See the thorn twist in your side.
I wait for you.
Slight of hand and twist of fate;
On a bed of nails she makes me wait,
And I wait without you.

With or without you,
With or without you...

Through the storm we reach the shore.
You give it all but I want more,
And I'm waiting for you.

With or without you,
With or without you...
I can't live
With or without you.

And you give yourself away,
And you give yourself away.
And you give,
And you give,
And you give yourself away...

My hands are tied, my body bruised;
She's got me with nothing left to win
And nothing else to lose.

And you give yourself away,
And you give yourself away.
And you give,
And you give,
And you give yourself away...

With or without you,
With or without you...
I can't live
With or without you.

This is going to be a great semester.

I know because it's already going fantastically well and it hasn't even started yet. Some things I'm looking forward to are:

1. More interesting classes.
2. Temp job.
3. Camellito!

And some old faves are returning to make the rest of the year amazing:

1. Kick-ass roommate situation.
2. Dance parties up the wazoo.
3. Comfy bed!

I am sad for the loss of:

1. Nip/Tuck.
2. Laguna Beach (No judgement allowed.).
3. The remaining crumbs of my sanity.

I can't wait to:

1. Find an actual job.
2. Find a place to live next year.
3. Reveal the winning jewel on The Flavor of Love

Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow!

Brr much?

Yay for Gainesville. No for cold.

A bit of motivation for your reading pleasure

What if these feet never went anywhere? What if I died before I could say I enjoyed my life to the fullest?

I'm ready for a change. I want to do everything I've been planning on my entire life. I want to get out there and experience it. Enough of procrastinating - I'm going to make things happen from now on.

I'm not a little girl anymore. I have the legal authority to take my life in my own hands and do with it as I please. I hold the lock and the key, and I am going to be someone.

After all, I just skipped through a horde of people. This is the face of determination, and I am going to learn to live life in pink.

The year in review

(This is going to be one of the more openly honest posts, and yet I like to leave something to be desired. Make of it what you will, but mostly I wrote this for me.)

2005 did a lot to me - some of it good, some of it bad. Sure; there are always ups and downs, but it seems like this past year both were pretty extreme. I had my phenomenal moments that changed my status as a person, gaining insight into other ways of thinking and feeling and being and believing. Yet another song is ingrained in my mind as a "his" song, and I've come to find that love is something you can only capture a few times. I have gone back to places I swore I would never revisit, and I have found new methods of easing the pain of just living. I have succeeded in turning my thought patterns completely upside-down; I have changed some who I am to be the person I am convinced the world wants me to be. I have hurt and I have been hurt. I have confided and lost contact with people who still mean a lot to me; I have grown tragically close to people who I cannot confide in. I have fallen in love with things that aren't even things and I have lost motivation for much of what I once seemed to live solely for. Every day it gets easier for me to walk away from what I characterize 2005 as being the year of, and yet I know that certain days it's more than just a haunting. I cannot forget someone who I know can hardly find the time to remember me, but I can sleep easy knowing that the ounce of hope I used to hang on to has completely evaporated into just that - hope. I have dealt with loss in its many faces, and I have forgotten how to write. I have traveled far from home and not wanted to come back; I have been anxious for change and it has found me. Though at times I cannot stand the pain of just sitting and thinking and letting myself feel how I truly feel, I have come to accept that it is a necessary step in the process of becoming a properly functioning human. I like to hide and I like to play cat-and-mouse, but inside I go through a lot more than I let on to even myself. I have moved on from the only boy I've ever been in love with. I think I have found someone worth the effort, but sometimes I get scared that everything is a big joke and my falling for it is the punch line. I have done regrettable things, unforgettable things, had life-altering experiences, and made memories too precious in whatever way to be forgettable. I: swam in the Aegean Sea; drank champagne at sunset; saw the most beautiful splay of life laid right out in front of me; felt the ridiculous hopelessness unearthed in the twenty seconds of clarity when the meaning of life was revealed, then lost; locked myself into rather sticky situations (but never let on that I didn't mind); figured someone out entirely, and it certainly wasn't me; discovered the many useful qualities of taking life at a slower pace; learned that the exact value of a dollar on any given day is as close to the value of ten when you're unemployed; let myself find out for myself that it's ok to live my life differently than how I am apparently supposed to experience it. I feel that they're all right - that over time I am improving but some days are worse than the ones preceding. I am changed so much that I can never wholly go back to being who I was, but I am still searching nonetheless for just the memory of being stupidly happy and living every day in the sunshine of self-acceptance. I have problems, but I have finally begun to witness the fruits of a truly concerted effort to see them fade.

I am hopeful for the upcoming year and characteristically feel foolish admitting that I can see my little camel going somewhere. 2005 saw me change by leaps and bounds, and I believe 2006 will prove to be a landmark year for:

• Learning to share myself more openly so I may embrace that daft (Yes; "daft.") girl internally;
• Laughing more often;
• Singing Journey like there was no greater joy in the world.

I'm only going to say this once:

Screw Gainesville. Mainly because of the gay-ass airport and it being so unreasonably more expensive than TIA.

Sing "Fum, Fum, Fum!"

Merry Christmas! Been an amazing day so far, and I'm looking forward to smelling like Par... I mean, heaven in the upcoming year.

Kind of a crazy week ahead of me, but it'll be incredibly fun. Too bad Eeksie is going back to Durhamsie, though.

I'll save the rest of everything for another time. Hope you're having a great day and are surrounded by the people you love.

Shears

I helped a woman pick out earrings for the person with whom her now ex-husband had an affair.

I am shocked into disbelief at least once a week.

Kinnidee

No comments about being emo - I can't stand that shit.

But I would like to dedicate this post to everything that sucks - England, euthenasia, my stomach being in the faggot olympics, and the fact that my uterus just fell out when I typed "olympics." I feel like complete shit all over and I keep looking for my other cat. The bruise of unknown origin has turned a most nasty shade of ugly, and my nose is froze.

RAR!

But on the brighter side, my sister is home, I have attained the shoes that I am in love with, and my comforter smells like a meadow.

China Dolls

Between work and work and work and trying to get some sleep, I was surprised to realize that it is only a week until Christmas - that morning when you woke up when you were little at Nana and Papa's house, snow falling fiercely, the house warm and the water cold, putting on your favorite dress and then layering over it every jacket and coat and glove and mitten and beret you own to brave the walk from the kitchen door to the car, the car to the church entrance.

That morning when you were practically stoned from happiness when you opened all those presents, the confetti and glittering bows falling around your feet like soft and silent rays of sunlight on your favorite day of the year, even though you knew by the shape of this one, the size of that what was in each box or bag or oddly-packaged gift.

That morning when you didn't care what the world had to say about Pollocks being dirty, because any idiot would have eaten that sausage, any fool would have begged for seconds and sat satisfied for the remainder of the afternoon from that meal shared around the table with the huge mirror behind it, so perfect for making faces at the sister sitting next to you without ever turning your head.

That night when you played sharades until you thought you'd puke, you opened presents of sweaters and scarves and bracelets from the aunts, you played Sorry and Scrabble like you'd never have the chance to enjoy either again, you "accidentally" engulfed the marshmallows in the blaze of the fireplace, you listened to the cousins tell weird stories and ever so valiently plunk out the rhythm of The Little Drummer Boy until an older one came along and really played it.

That night when you fell asleep giggling with your sister instead of fighting, dreaming of all the toys you could play with tomorrow, wondering what the doll in your arms was thinking about and if you'd ever actually meet Johnathan Taylor Thomas.

That's what comes to mind when I think of a real Christmas because that's how I grew up to remember it.

Herc?

Black Cherry Fresca, you are the love of my life.

That is all.

Dirty bird you.

Chicken? Sure. But everything's still a go-go.

Officially done with exams as of 4:13PM today. One semester down, seven to go. And you?

Tomorrow I get to visit with le Amber and finish Christmas shopping with the girl who sneezes kittens. Pumped? Check yes.

Speaking of Christmas shopping, I stole someone a present today. It was my second time hijacking this item from the general public. Maybe it was because it was cold outside or maybe it was just that I had to pee so bad, but taking it definately made me giggle the entire way home. Submit guesses as comments, if anyone cares to do so.

I am tired as a fishy. Goodnight.

Christmas in July?

Winter is lovely, but I could really go for a beach day.

Even though it's midnight.

Cucumbersome

I feel so tweleve today. I made two new screen names in the past twenty-four hours, talked through several yawns, woke up with a bruise that was not there when I went to sleep, giggled over a boy, described a tie as gay, and almost shit myself when I saw the Cold Stone around the corner from where I work. Even though some arrogant piece of crap told me to stick out my wrist so he could spray me with man's cologne "...because [he] had too much on [him] to be able to smell this one," I had an amazing day (Like how I slipped that story in?).

"You may be right:

I may be crazy;
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for."

Seasoned

I am completely exhausted, but I feel amazing. I'm listening to summer music and thinking about all the great times I've had this past year.

I'm kind of confused, though, about a lot of things. I guess I've done a lot of growing up, and much of it happened really suddenly and quickly - not necessarily just in 2005, but all along things happened and now I feel so much older than I was.

I feel good - don't get me wrong. I'm in one of the best moods of my life for ... well, yes for an apparent reason, but nothing specific has happened this very moment to make me feel as though I could burst at the seams with general happiness, and yet I believe it is truly likely to occur at any given second.

It's the difference between DMB and techno. That's where I get lost sometimes - the spot between wanting it all and absolutely needing the evening to yourself to sit with all your crazy, fucked-up emotions and memories.

But I couldn't love anything more than life.