Veneral Disease

For the most part, today wasn't fantastic. It only outright sucked in the evening, so I suppose that isn't too bad.

I am thinking of starting anew, taking off some (or all) of the posts I have written since I changed the address, once again making this a public matter. Not that I have much to say, but I do enjoy writing; I may not know it, but I need it. Someone else doesn't have to read, I just need to write.

Anyways, it seems as though Valentine's day is indeed another day in the life. I woke up telling myself that very truth (for I really do believe it), and my suspicions were completely true. Our relationship may be teetering dangerously close to the edge right now (perhaps I'll take this post off as well), and for this reason today just felt... crappy. But who really needs the purple monkeys? They make for wonderful company, but shouldn't the one you love be worth a purple monkey any old day? Granted, that's when I got mine - but YOUR purple monkey; you should be given one more often.

I don't know. The only part of the day that made me feel special was the very end (when I also felt the worst). A phone call to someone back home cheered me up and got me laughing when I was already silently crying; a movie with a quiet roommate kept me on the up-and-up; and a surprise visit from a very busy friend made me feel perhaps the best I had all day.

I'll be honest - life isn't so fun right now. I've got a lot to worry about, and those worries aren't for nothing. I need to dwell on some things lest I never figure them out. I know I don't have it so bad; despite everything I've said and have been saying, I truly know this not only in the depths by on the surface as well. It's just overwhelming sometimes this feeling of hopelessness, this panicky disarray of careless apathy - yes, that made sense.

I have some really good friends, though, who ease their way into making me know I'm worth a something, and they do it best when they don't know I needed reassurance.

It's beautiful. It's long. It's Valentine's Day.

Go it alone.

You will be happy to know that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about pretty much everything, much of which first surfaced on that quiet, lonely drive to Gainesville Friday night.

A life is worth more than many people realize. I have had a lot of experiences. Age aside, I've almost lived out an entire life: I have traveled; I have lived away from home; I have held a job; I have budgeted; I have learned the difference between love, lust, and jealousy; I have written entire anthologies on adolescence, God, the infinite search for meaning; I have had time to watch the clouds drift by and contemplate all these things in an afternoon of lemonade and no-see-ums.

I don't know what's going to happen; I don't know if anything ever will. It's an anniversary of sorts today and I'm going to say what I intended to say, even if it never means a thing:

I'm doing alright. I wish I could've seen me then. I wish I could've sat me down and told myself a story - warned myself maybe - and made my eyes wide with awe and disbelief. I'm ending the process of growing up (finally) and most things don't carry the same definitions and taboos. It's OK - whatever it is, it's OK. Nothing has to be perfect, including happiness. The only person who can ever know for sure is me, and even then it's debatable. All the sleep-overs and concerts and first dates and full moons add up to some sort of Counting Crows lyric, though I haven't decided which one just yet. Most things change the way most things never do; it's all a wheel of perspective and subjectivity, but there are a few black and white facts in between all the interpretation and figuring out. There's a lot going on in general, espectially when life seems stagnant. There are chances that really should be taken and others that can slide.

Not everything has to be missed to be remembered, though, and today I'd like to believe that more than anything.

Something tells me I'm into something good...

I can see myself growing in a place like this. It is a corner in an apartment and I can rightfully say it is all my own. I can see the sun waking me on winter mornings and I can hear the laughter from all the far-fetched ideas that could be shared around coffee and tea. I can see myself feeling hopelessly at home here in the space of another month, and I can see myself healthy and happy and smiling for eight more that - like it or not - will likely pass very quickly. I can see myself becoming aware. I can see myself writing more and learning new ways in which to relieve stress and anxiety.

I can see the happiness and the help and I can see the growth already.

Breakdown

I hope this old train breaks down.
Then I could take a walk around
And see what there is to see,
And time is just a melody...
All the people in the street
Walk as fast as their feet can take them.
I just roam through town,
And though my windows got a view,
The frame I'm looking through
Seems to have no concern for me now;
So for now

I need this here
Old train to breakdown.
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown.

This engine screams out loud,
Saying the beat gonna crawl westbound.
So I don't even make a sound,
Because its gonna sting me when I leave this town,
All the people in the street
That I'll never get to meet...
If these tracks don't bend somehow,
And I got no time
That I got to get to
Where I don't need to be,
So I

I need this here

Old train to breakdown.

Oh please just

Let me please breakdown.

I need this here
Old train to breakdown.
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown.
I wanna break on down,
But I can't stop now.
Let me break on down...

But you can't stop nothing
If you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind
That you kept in, you know.
You don't know nothing,
But you don't need to know.
The wisdom's in the trees,
Not the glass windows.
You can't stop wishing
If you don't let go,
But things that you find
And you lose, and you know
You keep on rolling
Put the moment on hold -
The frame's too bright,
So put the blinds down low

I need this here
Old train to breakdown.
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown.
I need this here

Old train to breakdown.

Oh please just

Let me please breakdown.

I wanna break on down,

But I can't stop now.