Swan dive

"I might be crazy, but that's not the same as insane;
And I'm scared, but that's not the same as being afraid."

I don't know about those camels...

Tell me sweet little lies...

Bonfire of death?

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

CRAZY!

That's exactly what the past week has been. I will not go into detail here, but let's just say it's been... refreshing, and yet terrible. I can't make up my mind which best describes it.

On the upscale, I know for a fact now that I will be joining the Peace Corps immediately following college. I may end up waiting out the summer and try to get an assignment in late July or August (depending on availablity), but either way, that's what I fully intend to do. I have a general idea of what I will be changing my major to, but as of yet it is still listed as Criminology (with a minor in Spanish. Comical, no?).

I have a lot of things I'm still sorting through, and this weekend has been dedicated mainly to studying and reviewing. Granted, that's not what I'm doing right this minute, but hey - I earned this break.

Going home Tuesday afternoon after class. Don't have any set plans, except for Friday, which is reserved for post-Thanksgiving sale-day bliss.

I also forgot my big plan: Eurotrip. I'm still doing it (now that I remembered I was). I think perhaps I will shoot for this instead of a semester abroad, as I would likely:

• Not study much;
• Spend way more money than necessary;
• Have such a good time that coming back after 4-6 months would be a disappointment.

So instead, I will spend one summer (perhaps between junior and senior years) having the time of my life. Granted, that is if I can find at least one person to accompany me...

Things are beginning to come together a bit more in most areas. Where they aren't, the circumstances surrounding them are at least defogging. Not that there's much I can do about it, but that's life, and at least I'm no longer ignorant.

And about that whole "updating regularly" thing... Doesn't look like that's going to work out for me.

Lines

Life is what happens when you're think it's finally gotten to be so stagnant that it's hardly worth your best shot.

That's what this weekend has taught me. So many surprise ups, so many unexpected downs, and here I am, still in the middle simply because I don't know what else to do.

Maybe this is an indication of how things will always be; maybe I'm just going through an almost comically hectic period.

I wanted the summer so much this week. I really think it was all a dream. I can't reach that again, and I'll never have that to hold as long as I live. I may get close, but new memories will eventually fill up the holes where I miss the old ones. I might have been bored a lot of the time, but it was so much simpler and happier, more innocent and dangerously bittersweet, the waves of life and love and laughter washing over me like oblivion.

I know I have no right to say any of this; I don't deserve that freedom and I'm well aware of it. Sometimes, though, you just have to see things in writing to know that this is really happening.

I'm sorry, Boo-boo; I'm sorry.

So.

After all that, I'm pretty sure I'm going to change my major. To what, I have no clue, but I do know it will end in "-ology." Or, "History." One of the two.

Why did I waste this semester?

?

Update?

Yes - I think I will.

About everything... Life's been pretty interesting lately. As always, I'm not one to get into detail on some silly and very public blog which I don't really believe anyone reads, but I will say this: you never know until you're there. Sometimes it's so perfect that it hurts, and sometimes it hurts to know it's not perfect.

Have I left enough unexplained? My work here is done.

Yes - I updated.

Sometimes you can see the world so clearly. When you take a moment to slow down, breathe in the beauty around you, and appreciate it without having to make yourself think about it, it’s amazing how far it can take you.

It’s the simple pleasures in life – the things that are so uncomplicated give you the will to work through those that are.

I get so tired sometimes and just don’t care, but on a day like today when everyone went to Subway in a different city and we’re all talking about how it made for a happier afternoon, I can’t help but smile.

Candles

Many times there's much more hiding just below the surface than you think. A reason or an explanation or even just a different point of view - it's there, even when you're certain it isn't.

I love today.

Moms and cops

I loved this weekend, and I'm going to love next weekend. I'll expand upon that when I'm done with this delightful pile of studying.

I was reading over some past entries, and it occured to me just how much has happened since graduation. Not to say that my life was pointless and boring up until that point, but I've done a lot of changing since that day.

It's weird. I always thought I would miss those people more, but the truth is that certain stereotypes follow you everywhere. The names change but the faces stay the same, and in the end not much is different.

But that's not my point. What I'm getting at is that a lot can happen in a summer. One last hurrah before you say goodbye to the ones you always counted on and always will; one last time to laugh and reminisce, because looking back will always hurt a little after it's over.

I'm not implying that things were stagnant and that I am a completely different person from the girl who wrote in this four months ago. Quite the contrary; because I had grown up a lot, I have been able to adjust to these changes with less trauma than otherwise would likely have been evident. I am just noticing how much has happened since May 24th.

I know more is coming, and I know I'm nowhere near the end of new experiences. And you know what? I welcome every second of it.

Dam Would Break

Is it this place that makes me fall from you?
Forget the words that once rang so true?
Did we expect that life was ever fair? My God...
I sowed a field of rose and reaped a whipping rod.
And everything I’ve held too tight inside
Could make a part of me die;
And if my lips could only speak the name,
The dam would break.

What is this ice that gathers round my heart
To stop the flood of warmth before it even starts?
It would make me blind to what I thought would always be
The only constant in the world for me.
And every hour of every day,
I need to fight from pulling away;
And if my mind could only loose the chain,
The dam would break.

For all the things I hid away
And all the words I could not say,
The dam would break.


How can a band named after an amphibious creature sing your song? Just like that.

Even though:

• I feel like crap;
• My face is going to explode;
• I can't speak Spanish;
• Buses are scary;
• I can't find my CDs;
• Alicia is apparently having eye surgery;
• Shania Twain sells perfume;

today is great beacuse:

• Julie is coming Saturday;
• My sister's cat ate her napkins;
• I don't have online homework for Spanish, ,which I can't speak;
• I regulate;
• Laguna Beach is on tonight;
• I have clean laundry;
• Shania Twain's perfume smells like angels oughta smell.

Spanish is a butt-lick language.

Had to slip it in.

So either UF is going to do great this year or... um... LA TECH SUCKS MAJOR ASS. What a joke. Those guys were horrible.

Today is laundry and proyecto day. I can't begin to tell you how much I'm looking forward to doing this presentation in a language I barely know.

Better get crackin'.

I feel kind of iffy. I don't know if I should drop it or see what happens. So much going on and yet nothing at all has changed, it seems.

I don't know. I really don't know anything. I guess we'll find out.

Here are some lyrics, because I do that:

"Time is never time at all.
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth.
And our lives are forever changed;
We will never be the same.
The more you change the less you feel."

Unraveled

Is how I feel. I have written so many compositions on shitty days like this. Unfortunately, I grabbed the wrong notebook when packing my bags to move to college and the aforementioned poetry and blurbs are exactly where I left them, rotting into the carpet under my bed like they've been rotting on my conscious.

When I can actually write, I will. For the time being, I don't have any hint of creativity. I hate today so fucking much right now.

But go Gators.

I hereby declare:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, weekend!

Relient upon nothing.

And I won't sit back
And take this anymore.
Because I'm done with that;
I've got one foot out the door.
And to go back where I was would just be wrong;
I'm pressing on.

Jump-rope cable

I like today. Rainy, but not very sunny. Makes for a nicer temperature than most days.

Oh, shit. I'm talking about the weather. Slap me. Slap me now.

Tomorrow we're getting our tickets for Saturday's game, and then it's off to class in this incredibly taxing schedule of mine.

...Joke.

I really don't have much else to say. What's new with YOU?

This isn't grammared right.

So it's time to own up and start using capital letters every now and then. You know, like when a letter should be capitalized.

I really don't know what to say here. I would say it if I knew what to think, but I don't know what to think anymore about pretty much anything you can think of to think of. I wish things like this wouldn't happen to me, but the only thing I can think of (and have a certain opinion on) is that there is a great Fate Magnet of Destruction floating around in the Great Unknown and it has somehow channeled all of its energy toward me.

Good God. Why does this always happen?

No, I will NOT clarify, either, because this is mine and I don't wanna. So neah.